


L'appel Du Vide

by erurimlk



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, SERIOUSLY don't read if you can't handle any type of physical abuse, bit of abuse, erwin is crazy lmao, not fluff whatsoever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 19:03:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11950674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erurimlk/pseuds/erurimlk
Summary: Levi feels like Erwin is acting funny; he can't seem to control himself. Before Levi can fully confront him, the unthinkable happens.





	1. Usually

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry in advance for mistakes, hope you enjoy!

“Stop it, Erwin.” Levi pushed a finger in Erwin’s face, who smiled and pulled his hands back to himself. “Quit grabbing my ass or you’ll have my foot up yours.”

Levi turned back and continued to walk up the stairs. Before he could make his way to the top, Levi felt Erwin’s hands on his shoulders and he fell forward. He whipped back.

“What the hell?”

“Sorry,” Erwin mumbled guiltily, like a kid. “I was going to fall.”

Levi looked at Erwin for a few more moments before facing forward. He made his way to the bedroom and began getting changed. He was interrupted by Erwin’s hands around his waist.

“No,” he said. “Not in the mood.”

Erwin pressed his lips to Levi’s neck and Levi pushed him off.

“What did I just say?”

Erwin laughed, “I just can’t help myself.”

“Too bad.”

Levi fell onto the bed and Erwin fell next to him. He smiled at Levi and pulled up the blankets. Levi turned away, flicking off the lights before closing his eyes. He felt Erwin feeling him up, so he shoved him away.

“The hell is wrong with you?” Levi asked without turning around.

“I want you, Levi.”

Levi looked over his shoulders and he narrowed his eyes at Erwin. “Fine.”

 

 

Grocery shopping was hard to do with Erwin. It was like Levi was dragging a child around the story; constantly telling him to put things back.

Erwin pointed to a pie from the bakery. “We should get that.”

Levi looked him up and down. “You’ve had enough.”

Erwin picked it up and put in the cart. “We’re getting it,” he said.

Levi huffed a small sigh and continued pushing the cart. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t want Erwin to have the pie, he really didn’t care all that much, it was just he couldn’t say no to Erwin lately. He wasn’t sure if it was him or Erwin who could control themselves.

Erwin always had a way of getting what he wanted. It was easy for him to get people on his side or to do what he wanted. Levi had always felt above this charm of Erwin’s, but now he had his doubts.

When the pair left the grocery store. Levi kept shooing away Erwin’s hand from his thigh without saying a word. Only by the time they got home did Levi make a remark.

“You just discover Viagra, old man?”

“What?”

“You’re so damn horny. The hell’s up with you?”

Erwin shrugged, chuckling, “Nothing.”

Levi cocked a brow, but didn’t say anything further. He supposed he was right. Erwin hadn’t been acting weird, just less easy to control it seemed. Levi was softening up to Erwin, he assumed, and the thought of that had been enough for Levi to shut up about it.

Since Levi had brought it up, Erwin seemed to get better at keeping his hands to himself. In public, at least. At home, he still seemed to be handsy. Had he always been like this? It was hard for Levi to be concerned, because it hadn’t posed to be all that much of a problem and Erwin wasn’t acting too different.

It was just a lack of control. It was weird to see it from Erwin, who had a sort of militant self-control. Levi put it to be married and the lack of care that came with it.

It wasn’t until Erwin and Levi had gotten into a fight that it started to bother him.

The fight was over something frivolous. Erwin had flushed the toilet when Levi was in the shower.

“I specifically told you I was going so you wouldn’t do it.”

“Sorry,” Erwin had said, “I forgot.”

It had sounded like a lie, but Levi thought better of Erwin.

“You really live in your own world, don’t you?”

Levi didn’t know how he expected Erwin to react to what he said. He had half-expected Erwin to get offended and storm off, but other than that, he had no clue. He surely didn’t expect a punch to the face.

Quickly, Levi pressed a hand to his nose. He pulled it away to look at the blood on his hand; it looked as though he had never seen blood before. Levi repeated the action before calmly telling Erwin to fetch him a paper towel, which he did.

“Sorry,” Erwin said, holding out the towel. “I don’t know what came over me.”

Levi held the towel to his nose, staring up at Erwin with a blank face. He didn't even know how to react or what to even say. He pulled the towel away and shoved it towards him.

“Look what you did,” he said. “Get me another one.”

When Erwin came back, he looked incredibly guilty; Levi felt bad because he hated seeing Erwin that way. He wasn't mad at Erwin, just confused and a little disappointed.

“I-I’m sorry, Levi.” Levi stayed silent. “I just had a bad day at work,” Erwin continued, “I'm just aggravated.”

“How do I know you're not gonna do it again?” Levi asked.

“I won't,” Erwin said, “I hadn't meant to. I'm sorry.”

Levi worked his jaw. He backed away from Erwin before saying:

“Control yourself.”

Erwin had reacted more maturely this time. Not to say that him spinning on his heels and leaving the room wasn’t childish, but it was better than a punch in the face.

Levi decided to leave Erwin alone. He had said that work was bad, so he wanted to let Erwin cool off. Was work bad everyday or was just this just an excuse this time? Levi had hoped for the former, had little to no doubt about the former. But, why hadn’t Erwin told him? When Levi asked at the dinner table how work went, why didn’t he just answer honestly?

Maybe he was, and he was just lying this time.

Or maybe work really was just bad today and fine all the other days like Erwin said. While this answer put Levi at the most ease, it still surfaced the question of why.

Why had Erwin been acting like this? Why couldn’t he seem to control himself lately?

There had been plenty of fights where Erwin and Levi had threatened with violence, only they were empty. Both of them never had wanted to hurt each other. Well, Levi could only speak for himself.

When it was time for dinner, Levi peered into their bedroom. He saw Erwin lying down, reading. Happy to see him acting normal, Levi walked in.

“I made dinner,” he said. “Come eat.”

Erwin sat up. He frowned. “I’m really sorry about before, Levi. I really don’t know what came over me.”

Levi sighed and sat at the end of the bed. “What’s the matter, Erwin?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been acting...strange lately,” Levi paused. “Are you stressed?”

“Yeah,” Erwin said as though agreeing with Levi. “It must be that.”

“Must be.”

They ate quietly, much to Levi's disappointment. He wished Erwin would huff and puff about his day like Levi usually did himself. He stayed quiet, hoping Erwin would feel the silence. He was afraid that if he spoke about his day Erwin would just let him talk and talk, like he usually did.

To Erwin's pleasant surprise, when the two got close, Levi talked a lot. He complained, mostly, but Erwin was happy to hear it. At first it seemed as though Levi could babble for hours, but that didn’t prove to be the case. Levi didn’t talk much, only if he wanted to with a select group of people.

“So,” Levi finally started, “What happened at work?”

“What happened at work?” Erwin repeated dumbly.

“You said you had a bad day,” Levi had to remind him. “What happened?”

“Oh, right...nothing, really. I just had a lot work to do.”

Levi opened his mouth to say that that wasn’t a warrant to punch him, but he thought against it. He wasn’t sure how Erwin would react and the anxiety that came along with that wasn’t worth making the statement.

“It’s dry,” Erwin said, pushing around his dinner with a fork.

“What?”

“Kinda dry.” Erwin made a face. “And just not good.”

“I made it last week, Erwin. Shut it.”

“And it was bad last week, and all the other times.”

Levi heaved a sigh. “Whatever, just go toss it.”

The absolute last thing Levi had expected to happen next was for Erwin to fling his plate at the wall.

“What the fuck, Erwin!”

Erwin shrugged, walking off, “You said toss it.”

Before Levi could tell Erwin that he knew that’s not what he meant, Erwin was back in the bedroom. Levi stared at the wall, stunned, before cleaning it. He cursed and mumbled under his breath wondering just who the hell Erwin thought he was.

It was time to confront. For real confront him. But, Levi was too nervous to go into the bedroom just yet.

So, instead he made himself tea and read. More than once, he’d sit up ready to tell Erwin something, but he’d slump back down on the couch to keep the thought for later. This wasn’t unusual for Levi; it happened when it slipped his mind that Erwin was at work, or he was on a business trip, or even just when Erwin fell asleep before him. However, while not the first time it had happened, it was unusual for Levi for to be scared to talk to Erwin after a fight.

After most of their fights, neither of them would apologize until after they talked again (which never usually took long.) Sometimes they wouldn’t apologize until way later, but even then things were still patched up. No matter how long it took until the two talked again, it was never out of fear. Levi was usually still angry, and he could safely assume Erwin felt the same.

When Levi did finally feel the courage to confront him, he was disappointed yet relieved to see Erwin asleep.

  
Levi elected to sleep on the couch, because he felt uncomfortable at the thought of sleeping next to Erwin. Not that he got much sleeping done, he was too worried sick to get any. He lied awake thinking of what the hell he was going to do with Erwin.

In the morning, as routine, he made Erwin and himself coffee. He called Erwin for breakfast and was relieved to see Erwin come with a smile on his face.

“I made coffee,” Levi said. He thought for a moment and tossed bait. “I forgot to grab your hazelnut creamer though, sorry.”

Unexpectedly, Erwin had shrugged and said, “Guess I’ll use milk.”

Levi hinted at a smile. “Kidding.” _Just wanted to see how you’d react._

Erwin chuckled and said something Levi was too busy thinking to pick up. It seemed like the confrontation could wait.

After breakfast, Levi sent Erwin off with a kiss. He had high hopes for today, luckily, and his high hopes were fulfilled.

Later in the day, Erwin had texted Levi, telling him to not make dinner, that he’d take him out. Levi let out a sigh of relief and found himself surprised to be glad to be going out. He pushed yesterday’s events out of his head, excited to be going on a date with Erwin again. It’s been awhile since they’d been out by themselves so Levi couldn’t help but be a little nervous. Levi allowed himself to feel excited anticipation instead of worrying about of Erwin would snap during the night.

The idea of pushing Erwin had crossed his mind while they were out. He didn’t want to ruin their night out, but he felt a false sense of security.

Levi sent his order back not once, but twice. He knew it annoyed and embarrassed Erwin immensely when anyone at the table, especially himself, did so. To Levi’s surprise, Erwin, with what seemed like great self-control, had just leaned in and whispered:

“You know how much I hate when you do that. It can’t be that bad.”

“Sorry, it was dry,” Levi said.

Erwin laughed humorlessly. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“No, I wasn't-Erwin, relax.”

Erwin narrowed his eyes, but then allowed his face to soften. He sighed, “Sorry…”

Levi tried to change the topic, but Erwin didn't want to talk about work, what they were eating, or answer any of Levi's questions.

“Are you okay, Levi?” He asked

“What?”

“You're acting kind of strange...you alright?”

Levi's eyes widened and he rose a brow. He opened his mouth and closed his mouth, completely stunned by what Erwin said.

“I'm fine,” he said. “I'm acting fine.”

“No, you're acting kind of...weird lately.”

“How?”

“You made some weird joke this morning, and you keep asking me if I'm okay.”

“Because you're the one acting weird. You-” Levi cut himself off with a sigh. “Let's just enjoy ourselves.”

Erwin gave an easy-looking smile, “Right.”

Levi and Erwin had left the restaurant with Erwin hanging on Levi, heavily. Levi had told Erwin not to drink so much, but stopped pressing so much because he was afraid of ruining the night by getting Erwin upset.

  
He shoved Erwin off him. “Hand me the keys.”

“What?”

“I want to drive,” Levi said, specifically not saying that he didn't want Erwin not to. “Give me the keys now.”

“I'll drive,” Erwin slurred.

Levi weighed his options. He could tell Erwin that he couldn't drive and have him do...God knows what, or he could risk the 20 minute drive.

“No, Erwin,” he said, crossing his arms. “You're drunk.”

“Just let me drive, it's fine.”

“You could kill me.”

“I won't.” Erwin got into the driver’s seat. “If you don't trust me, then walk.”

Levi suppressed a flinch when Erwin slammed his door shut. He hopped into the car and put his hand over the ignition.

“I'm asking you to let me drive.”

“Levi, I can drive fine,” Erwin said, although the wine-induce blush told him otherwise.

“Why won't you let me drive?”

“Because I'm fine.”

Levi made to argue more, but he was getting afraid of Erwin. Although today, for the most part, was going well, Erwin being drunk wouldn't help him not being able to control himself. Levi wouldn't think of saying it to him now, so he just swallowed the thought.

Despite every part of screaming at him to grab the keys from Erwin, he pulled on his seatbelt.

“Fine,” Levi had grumbled. “Don't kill me.”

Erwin grinned and Levi felt sick. “Wouldn't dream of it.”

At first, Levi had to constantly tell himself not to throw up right in the car. He was so unbelievably scared until he realized that Erwin wasn't driving too bad. He still desperately wished that they were home, but he was a bit more at ease.

Levi sank into his seat and almost felt himself relax.

“So, Levi, what did you mean _I've_ been the one acting weird?”

_Almost._

“You can't tell?” Levi asked. “You don't realize…?”

“I-” Erwin cleared his throat, “No.”

Levi didn't want to do this, let alone when Erwin was drunk. He turned his head to look at Erwin, who kept glancing at back at him expectantly.

“Well? What did you mean by it?”

“You've just-I don't know. You can't seem to...to control yourself as of late.”

Erwin pulled his eyes off the road and looked at Levi. “What?”

“Focus on driving,” Levi mumbled. “We'll talk about it later.”

Surprisingly, Erwin did focus on driving. Maybe too much. His grip on the steering wheel was so tight that his knuckles turned white. Levi averted his eyes and looked out the window. Watching the buildings pass by was much less nerve-wracking than watching Erwin drive.

Levi was going to apologize. He felt bad for saying it so bluntly, but he knew he had to. There was no tip-toeing around it and Levi wasn't keen on sugar-coating things.

“I know what you mean,” Erwin said quietly.

Levi was almost too stunned to speak.

“I just feel like...I just have to do it, ya know?”

“What do you do?” Levi asked more angrily than he wanted. “Do the first thing that pops into your head?”

“Well-”

“You punched me. And threw my plate.” Levi clenched his fists. “You wanna know how many times I've wanted to punch you?”

“Levi-”

“You can't even keep your dick in your pants...at least I can control myself.”

“I'm trying!” Erwin screamed, seemingly snapped into sobriety.

“Not hard enough!” Levi yelled back, but he wasn't sure why.

Erwin grunted in reply. He looked ready to scream Levi's head off, but he stayed quiet for the most part. Levi didn't know what the hell compelled him to keep yelling.

“It's like you're a damn child. I can't stand doing anything with you anymore! I don't know if you're gonna punch me again or-”

“Shut up!” Erwin clenched his free hand into a fist and gripped harder on the steering wheel. “I'll knock your teeth out!”

“Do it!”

Levi don't know why he was so surprised when Erwin had actually turned and punched him.

He quickly put his hand to his nose. “Erwin, what the fuck!”

“I was trying to agree with you! Why would you yell at me like that?”

“Because you're pissing me off.” Levi looked around for something to hold to his nose. “And you're proving my point.”

“Shut up, Levi.”

“Don't tell me to shut up.”

“I told you I was trying, Levi. Why couldn't you just leave it that.”

“Cause you're obviously not trying hard enough.”

Levi could tell it took Erwin everything in him not to punch him again. He screamed through gritted teeth. “Why do you keep saying that?”

Levi wasn't sure. He wanted to see Erwin handle an insult like he usually did; calmly. He didn't want to see Erwin like this, he wanted to see him break down and apologize for everything.

But he had no such luck.

Erwin was breathing unsteadily. His hands were trembling and his jaw was clenched so tight Levi was worried his teeth might crack.

“Erwin, watch out!”

 

 

 

  



	2. Pity

Levi poked his head into the room, “Erwin, come and eat.”

 

When Levi didn't get a response, he went into the room. He yanked the covers off Erwin.

 

“And shower and shave. You smell and look like shit.”

 

“Please,” Erwin moaned. “Leave me be.”

 

Levi bit back a remark and sat at the end of the bed. He looked at Erwin lying there. Erwin had been in bed, barely getting out other than to use the bathroom, for a month. He hadn't even gone to work.

 

“I have the days,” he mumbled into the pillow when Levi had brought it up.

 

Levi wasn't going to try and bring it up now. The guilt of not going to work didn't seem to even faze him.

 

“Look,” Levi started harshly, “I know you feel bad about it, but pissing and moaning about isn't helping anyone.”

 

“I killed someone, Levi...what do you not understand about that?”

 

“I know-”

 

“You don't! You're not the one who did it.”

 

Levi sighed, “Erwin, it was an accident. I know it was a bad one, but-”

 

“If I shower and eat will you stop talking to me?” 

 

Levi narrowed his eyes at him, “Go.”

 

Erwin slowly got up and made his way to the bathroom. Levi grabbed some clothes for him and opened the door to give them to him.

 

He stood, stunned, watching Erwin undress. He was so thin that it made Levi sick.

 

“What?” Erwin asked.

 

“You look horrible,” Levi mumbled. “Eat something.”

 

Levi slammed the door shut. He walked back to the kitchen and prepared a plate for Erwin. He was happy to have him shower and eat since he hasn't properly done both in a while. 

 

The whole situation was intense. Erwin had made Levi get out of the car to check on the person he crashed into. Levi was horrified to see the person’s head through a windshield. 

 

He thought about lying, about lying to Erwin, about lying to the cops and saying he was the one who was driving. But, Levi knew if he had been sent to jail, the guilt of the whole ordeal would eat Erwin alive.

 

It had been a big fine Erwin had to pay and he had his license revoked for a year. Levi had proposed driving him to work, but Erwin had rejected it.

 

It was the first time Levi had seen Erwin sob. It had seen Erwin cry before, at movies, talking about sad things, etc etc. This was different though. It was an ugly cry, a childish cry. It made Levi immensely uncomfortable. It stopped though eventually, obviously. Erwin had just went to being numb it seemed. He didn't want to talk or eat or sleep or shower or anything, really. 

 

Levi had stopped sleeping with him. Erwin choked sobs, but never cried as he lied in bed. At least not while Levi was there. He had been sleeping on the couch for three weeks. It's not that he didn't want to be with Erwin, but he was scared of sleeping next to him. 

 

The first few nights after the incident, Erwin had woken with screams that made Levi wake as well. He'd assure Levi it was just a nightmare and try to go back to sleep. When it got to the point where he would mumble in his sleep and wake up in a panic, Levi became too nervous to sleep in the same bed anymore. Erwin never said anything about it; he never had so much asked if Levi was ever coming to bed.

 

“Are you going to eat?” Erwin asked when he came to the table.

 

“I already ate,” Levi glanced to the clock. “You were sleeping, so I didn't wanna wake you.”

 

“Oh…”

 

Levi sat across from Erwin, sipping on tea as he watched Erwin eat. He ate slow, and then slower, and then stopped altogether.

 

“I'm going back to bed,” he said, making to rise from his seat.

 

“Sit. You didn't finish.”

 

“I'm not hungry.”

 

“I don't care. Eat.”

 

Levi waited until Erwin began eating again to stand up. He pecked a kiss on Erwin's cheek and attempted a smile, which Erwin ignored. He heaved a heavy sigh and went into the bedroom.

 

He pulled off the sheets and went into the bathroom to grab the towels he knew Erwin had left. He that he could clean up their room and hopefully get Erwin out of the house, so things would move again.

 

Erwin stumbled into the bedroom when Levi was putting them on fresh. He waited impatiently to lie down, and Levi stopped him when he tried.

 

“How about we go out?”

 

“No, I don't feel really up to it.”

 

“Too bad.” Levi grabbed Erwin's hand, “Come on.”

 

“Please, just tell me where.”

 

“We're going for a drink,” Levi said, hoping Erwin would be up to at least that. As Levi expected, Erwin perked up. “Let's go.”

 

Levi drove despite Erwin saying the two should just grab a taxi, knowing he wouldn't be drinking really at all. He watched Erwin down beer after beer as he sipped his only glass of wine.

 

“They had a wife...you know that?”

 

“Yes, Erwin.”

 

“And a daughter.”

 

“I know.”

 

“And I killed him. W-What was I thinking?”

 

“Erwin, shut up.” Levi swallowed thickly, “Just drink your beer.”

 

Erwin put his head in his hands and sighed. He stayed like that for a few moments, and before Levi could say anything he stood up and said he had to use the restroom.

 

Levi watched as stumbled his way to the bathroom. He finished his wine and went after him. He had expected to see Erwin crying or something like that in a stall, or actually just using the bathroom. What he hadn't expected was to find Erwin staring at a broken mirror with a bleeding hand.

 

“What the hell happened?”

 

“I didn't want to look at myself anymore,” Erwin said lowly. 

 

Levi grabbed napkins to hold to Erwin's hand, but he refused. He brushed passed Levi, going to use the urinal. Levi watched with a cocked brow as Erwin relieved himself and washed his hands.

 

“I feel like I'm insane,” Erwin murmured, almost inaudible.

 

“You're not insane, don't say that.”

 

“What do you know?” Erwin leaned heavily on Levi. “You're not the one who killed someone.”

 

“I...what's up with you?”

 

“I've been drinking,” Erwin mumbled into Levi's shoulder, his head bowed. “And I wanna go home.”

 

Levi stood still for a few moments. He listened to the sound of Erwin's breathing against his ear and got chills down his spine. 

 

“Yeah, let's get home.” Levi gently pushed Erwin off him. He looked up to Erwin and thought about kissing him, but was too afraid of how he'd react to try.

 

_ What the hell was I thinking?  _ Levi asked himself.

 

Levi had to practically drag Erwin back into the house. The two laid down in the couch and Levi turned on the TV. 

 

“I feel such a monster,” Erwin had said, not to Levi.

 

“Don't say crap like that. You know it's not true.”

 

Erwin sat up. He looked to Levi with a face that begged for pity.

 

“But it is...I hate myself.”

 

“No, you don't,” Levi said keeping his eyes glued on the TV, too afraid to look at Erwin. “You know that isn't true.”

 

Erwin wasn't convinced and neither was Levi.

 

Erwin stood up, “I'm going to sleep. I'm tired.”

 

“Okay. I love you,” Levi said to Erwin's back.

 

Erwin responded by slamming the bedroom door shut. When Levi could hear Erwin crying, he turned the TV louder.

  
  


Levi was pleasantly surprised to see Erwin dressed and ready for work. He walked into the kitchen and gave Levi a kiss, which Levi could almost feel his heart melt at.

 

“I want to get things going again, ya know?” Erwin said, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

 

“Right.” Levi motioned to the table, “Eat.”

 

As Erwin ate, Levi went into the bedroom and made the bed. He went into the bathroom to find...a razor? It was lying on the counter. Levi felt his head spin. He clumsily made his way back to Erwin and grabbed his arm.

 

“Levi, what the hell!”

 

“Let me see your wrists,” Levi rasped.

 

“What?” Erwin asked through a mouthful of food. “Why?”

 

“Let me see them.”

 

Erwin lifted up his sleeves and showed his wrists to Levi. He rose a brow up at him.

 

“What happened?”

 

Levi looked at Erwin's face. He was shaved. How could he be so stupid? So worried for nothing?

 

“Nothing, I just...whatever. Just finish up.”

 

Levi made to leave, but Erwin tugged on his arm.

 

“Levi,” he began, “Did you think I was gonna kill myself or something?”

 

“No,” Levi lied. “I was just checking something.”

 

It was obvious that Levi was lying, but what else was he supposed to think? If Erwin had gotten the thought in his head, which Levi had no doubts that he had, whose to say that he wouldn't do it? He couldn't even stop himself from punching Levi, or the mirror in that bar. What if he couldn't stop himself again?

 

Levi was worrying about stupid things. At least he hoped it was just stupid things. In this case, he'd prefer if Erwin would prove him wrong and show him that what he was worrying about was nonsense.

 

“I'm not that crazy, Levi.” Erwin let go of him. “Why would you think that?”

 

“Because you…”

 

Can't control yourself lately? Have been too depressed to get out of bed lately? Punched a mirror because couldn't even look at yourself.

 

“You're acting funny.”

 

“Stop saying that. I'm fine.”

 

“Obviously not,” Levi mumbled. “Just go to work.”

 

“Happy to.”

 

Erwin rose from his seat and left. Levi looked down at his plate and wished he hadn't said what he did. He huffed a sigh and threw out Erwin's breakfast.

 

Levi spent the rest of the morning researching therapists for Erwin to go see. He had to go see one; Levi couldn't care less if he wanted to or not. Not that he had asked him, of course, but he was still going to go.

 

When Erwin got him from work, Levi said that they were going to go to dinner.

 

“I really can't,” Erwin said. “Work was bad enough. Don't make me go out. We just went out yesterday.”

 

_ As if going out with me is some type of chore.  _ “Please, for me?”

 

Erwin looked down at Levi and sighed. “Fine. We’ll go.”

 

Levi tried to keep Erwin preoccupied as he drove to the therapist. He talked and talked, doubting that Erwin was even paying attention with the way his hand was glued to the radio dial. Levi couldn’t stand when Erwin constantly changed the radio and he was sure Erwin was well aware of this.

 

“Are you lost?” Erwin asked.

 

“No.” Levi back into a spot. “We’re here for you.”

 

Erwin whipped his head back and read the words of the building.

 

“A therapist? I-I’m not crazy.”

 

“I never said that you were crazy, Erwin,” Levi said calmly. “You’re the one who said I should see a therapist that one time; you think I’m crazy?”

 

Erwin snorted, “That’s different! You never would open up to me.’

 

“Well, you’re not opening up to me.”

 

“I tried to yesterday, and you just shut me down.”

 

Levi sighed, unbuckling his seatbelt. He hated when Erwin would open up to him; he hated see him weak in any way. Because, if Erwin wasn’t okay, how could he be? Erwin was the stronger out of the two of them, and as much as Levi hated it to be true, he wouldn’t want it the other way around.

 

“Will you please just talk to her? For me?”

 

“So she can tell me that I’m crazy? No way.”

 

“Erwin, it was an accident. You know that. I know you know that deep down somewhere.” Levi paused. “I think she’ll help you to realize that.”

 

“Fine,” Erwin huffed. “I’ll go in.”

 

Levi waited in the waiting room, straining his ears to pick up something.  _ Anything _ . He just wanted to know what the hell was up Erwin and felt a twinge of jealously at the thought of Erwin spilling his guts to a stranger.

 

_ Better to a stranger than to no one _ , Levi thought. Levi knew first-hand how destructive bottling things up was and didn’t want Erwin to be doing the same.

 

When Levi heard a shriek come from the room Erwin was in, he jumped to his feet. He went to the door and before he could open it, Erwin did.

 

“Let’s go.”

 

Erwin bumped passed Levi. He exited the building and Levi groped his pockets for his keys, already knowing he had them.

 

“I’m sorry,” Levi blurted. “I don’t know what’s wrong with him.”

 

“I don’t either,” the therapist admitted quietly. “I told him he should think before he acts, that he needs to understand how his actions affect people.”

 

“And then he slapped you?”

 

“After I asked about you, yeah.”

 

“What did you...me?” 

 

“I asked his relation to you, then more about your marriage.” The therapist sighed. “He told me that two don’t sleep in the same bed anymore, and I said that it sounded like the marriage was strained.”

 

Levi apologized and paid. He then marched to the car and as soon as he unlocked it, Erwin got in. Levi took a deep breath before getting in the car himself.

 

“Erwin-”

 

“I don’t want to hear it. Let’s go home.”

 

“You need to control yourself better,” Levi said anyway. “If you don’t wanna tell me what the fuck is wrong with you then start acting better.”

 

Erwin looked taken back for a brief moment. Levi thought, hoped, that Erwin would open up to him and tell what the hell he was thinking, Erwin had just scoffed and crossed his arms.

 

The ride home, for the most part, was quiet. Levi knew that Erwin was itching to say something, just by the way he was practically squirming in his seat. Levi thought better than to tell him to spit it out, because if he got Erwin angry he’d probably just keep it to himself.

 

When they finally did get home, Levi got started on dinner as Erwin snuck into the bedroom. Levi listened in, a small part of him hoping to hear Erwin cry. He wanted to know Erwin felt bad for what he did. When he had heard what sounded like Erwin’s fist slamming on the nightstand, he backed away from the door.

 

When dinner was read, Levi went to go tell Erwin.

 

“Come and...Erwin?”

 

Erwin was sitting on the edge of the bed and holding what Levi believed to be an empty bottle of whiskey.

 

“Time for dinner?” Erwin asked, pulling himself up. He stumbled passed Levi and dropped the bottle at his feet. “I’ll go eat.”

 

Levi picked up the bottle and followed behind him. Erwin was shuffling through cabinets, mumbling to himself.

 

“We have any wine?”

 

Levi tossed out the empty bottle and pushed Erwin out of the way. He grabbed the wine bottle that was right in front of Erwin and handed it to him.

 

“Here,” he mumbled. “Don’t drink too much; you’ve had enough already.”

 

Erwin poured a glass for Levi and himself. He sat down at the table and Levi watched as he ate faster than usual. He let his own dinner get cold as he watched as Erwin polished off his plate and drank wine after wine.

 

“Are you okay, Levi?” Erwin slurred.

 

“What?”

 

“You haven’t touched your food, or your wine...can I have it?”

 

“My food?” Levi asked stupidly.

 

“Your wine,” Erwin said and Levi nodded slowly. He drank this one slowly as Levi cleared the table. Before Levi could sit down, Erwin stood up and kissed him. Levi looked up to Erwin dumbly and Erwin gave a sloppy smile.

 

Erwin stomped his way to the bedroom, asking, “How come we don’t sleep together anymore?” 

 

“What?”

 

“Me and you...you’re always sleeping on the couch. Do you hate me?”

 

“No,” Levi said, following Erwin into the bedroom.

 

“I hate me,” Erwin said unceremoniously and Levi felt sick. 

 

He kissed Levi passionately; surely it was the most they’ve done in the past few weeks. Levi kissed him back although he was uncomfortable with Erwin’s hands on him. 

 

It was only when Erwin attempted to push things further did Levi push him away.

 

“No,” he said, prying Erwin’s hands off him. 

 

“It’s cause you hate me, right?” Erwin breathed into his ears, still adorning him with unwanted kisses. “I don’t blame you, I hate me too.”

 

“Quit saying that, Erwin...Erwin, get off me.”

 

“Come on...I love you, Levi.”

 

Levi pushed on Erwin’s chest, slamming him into the bedroom door. Levi didn’t allow himself to flinch at the door banging into the frame. He put his elbow to Erwin’s neck, trying to keep him in place.

 

“I said no, Erwin. Control yourself,” he spat.

 

Erwin was a mess. He was on the verge of tears, letting his head roll around, not even looking at Levi. His knees buckled and he leaned heavily on the door behind him.

 

“I am!”

 

“You’re not.”

 

“I am!” Erwin whined. 

 

Levi bared his teeth to Erwin, but his face softened when he saw a tear roll down Erwin’s cheek.

 

“I am,” he said again. He looked drowsy and confused, and Levi felt bad. He moaned softly as his head fell back onto the door.

 

Levi pulled himself away from Erwin, who was still grabbing at him. He was pulling on Levi’s shirt like a child clutching their mother. Erwin fell to the floor and pressed back to the door. He let his head fall; Levi couldn’t help but pity him.

 

“Tch. You’re such a mess.” Levi stared at Erwin with wide eyes, his tone not reaching his face.

 

“I know, I know…”

 

“Look at you,” Levi started. “Pathetic.”

 

He had expected for Erwin to do something, anything, even if it meant slapping him. He wanted Erwin to argue with him, to shout at Levi and say that he wasn’t pathetic. He didn’t want to see Erwin just take it.

 

Levi looked down at Erwin until he heard him begin to snore. He sighed and sat at the edge of the bed. He stayed up and watched Erwin until he woke up. 

 

His back ached and his eyes stung, but Levi didn’t want to take his eyes off Erwin for a second. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if Erwin had harmed himself, whether it be purposefully or accidently, while had gone to sleep.

 

When Erwin finally did wake up, he simply just lifted his head.

 

“It’s about damn time,” Levi mumbled. He stood up and nudged Erwin with his food. “I couldn’t even open the door cause your heavy ass was blocking it. Move.”

 

Slowly, Erwin stood up and moved away from the door. 

 

“You and I have to talk, Erwin,” Levi said.

 

“I know.” 

 

“You don’t.” 

 

Levi made his way to the bathroom and washed his face. He told Erwin to do the same. Levi brushed his teeth. Again, he told Erwin to do the same.

 

“Your teeth’ll fall out if you don’t care of them, Erwin. Stop acting like a damn child and take care of yourself.”

 

Erwin just nodded, knowing that Levi was more referring to when Erwin refused to get put from bed, and not so much right now. He trailed behind Levi to the kitchen. Levi handed Erwin a pill and a glass of water. 

 

“Here...You feel like eating?” Erwin shook his head. “Mmm. Fine.”

 

Erwin watched as Levi mopped his face and prepared for the worst.

 

“What happened last night?” Erwin asked with wide eyes. His gaze dragged to a hickey on Levi’s neck. “Did I give you that?”

 

“You wouldn’t stop until I forced you off me. You have to learn how to control yourself.”

 

“I was drunk,” Erwin said dumbly.

 

“And why was that? Because you’re a damn mess.”

 

“I-”

 

“Control-”

 

“I’m trying to. Please, stop saying that.”

 

Levi sighed. He turned on his heels and made to leave, but the question giving him a bad taste in his mouth made him turn back.

 

“Do you hate yourself, Erwin?” Levi asked, even though he knew the answer already and knew he didn’t like it.

 

Erwin looked scared, like a deer caught in headlights. He leaned down and whispered to Levi, “Do you think I should?”

 

“I...Do you?”

 

Erwin shifted his gaze. “It’s hard not to hate me...if you were me, you’d hate yourself too.”

 

“Yeah,” Levi said accidentally. He had meant it, but not in the way Erwin would think. “I mean-”

 

“Do you hate me, Levi?”

 

“Of course not. You’re just making it difficult to…”

 

“What? To what?” Erwin pressed.

 

“To love you,” Levi finished breathlessly.

 

“Oh…” 

 

Erwin walked passed Levi as if he were in a daze. 

 

“Erwin,” Levi said, making him turn around. “I don’t know what it is you’re going through, but we’ll work it out.”

 

Levi only managed to pull off an awkward, scared-looking smile. Erwin slowly nodded, looking unsure. He turned on his heels and stumbled to the bedroom, leaving Levi alone.


	3. Fixes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for mistakes and such; I kind of rushed with this one! Nonetheless, hope you enjoy!

Erwin had been getting drunk. A lot. It frustrated Levi immensely, especially when it seemed that the morning had gone well. Levi didn’t know what he was doing wrong. He had tried again to get Erwin to go to a therapist but he refused, telling Levi that he didn’t a therapist to tell him that he was insane.

 

Levi had stopped disagreeing or arguing with Erwin when he called himself insane, said he hated himself, or any other derogatory things he said. It was tiring to rebuttal with things he partially agreed with. He was getting tired of being with Erwin, mostly because he knew this wasn’t Erwin. The way he had been acting lately was unlike him completely.

 

When Erwin stumbled into the house and dropped on the couch, Levi was thankful that Erwin wasn’t the one driving, that he had to take a taxi to and from work everyday.

 

He crouched down beside the couch and pulled Erwin’s shoes off. He pushed Erwin’s hair away from his face and looked into his eyes.

 

“Levi,” Erwin licked his lips. “What’s wrong with me?”

 

“I don’t know,” Levi said setting Erwin’s shoes by the door. “Go to a therapist and find out.”

 

Erwin groaned in response. Levi sighed and began making dinner. 

 

The two sat down for dinner. As much as Levi wanted something to drink, he knew if he had something Erwin end up drinking too. 

 

Levi was pleasantly surprised when Erwin had asked for seconds. Getting Erwin to eat had been challenging and Levi had given up on pushing him to.

 

“Did you eat the lunch I packed for you?” Levi asked, spooning more onto Erwin’s plate.

 

“Yeah, but I threw it up.”

 

“What?”

 

“A little after I took my lunch break, I-I panicked and I was so nervous I puked.”

 

Although it worried him, he was oddly happy to hear Erwin confess something like this. Levi made a face. He rose a brow.

 

“About what?”

 

“What?” Erwin asked, confused.

 

“You said you panicked...what about?”

 

“Oh…” Erwin gave a wave of his hand. “It’s nothing.”

 

“Just tell me, Erwin. I’m not in the mood.”

 

“You wouldn’t understand,” he said, standing up. “I’m gonna go lie down.”

 

Levi was disappointed to see Erwin go into the bedroom. He frowned to himself, upset he had made Erwin leave.

 

The two could barely keep up conversation. It ended with them fighting or Erwin getting upset and walking off. Sometimes, he didn’t even pay Levi any attention. He’d stare blankly and dumbly ask “What?” when Levi was waiting for him to respond.

 

Levi finished his dinner and drank a glass of wine. He went into the bedroom, where he still wasn’t sleeping, and was happy to see Erwin laying down and reading. He sat at the edge of the bed and a hand on Erwin’s leg.

 

“You alright?” he asked.

 

“M’fine.” Erwin closed the book. “I can’t even focus on this damn book.”

 

Levi’s shoulders slumped, “Oh.”

 

Erwin stayed quiet for a second. He looked up to Levi with a soft face.

 

“Lay with me?”

 

“Of course…” 

 

Levi awkwardly laid next to Erwin. He kept his hands to himself and hoped Erwin would too.

 

But he wasn’t so lucky.

 

“No, Erwin,” Levi said, peeling Erwin’s hand off his upper thigh.

 

Erwin sat up and looked at Levi seriously.

 

“Are you cheating on me?”

 

“What? No.”

 

“Then why aren't you having sex with me?” Erwin asked, “We haven't done anything in a while.”

 

“Do it yourself,” Levi mumbled, getting off the bed. “I don't want to right now.”

 

“Why? Am I doing something wrong?”

 

_ Because I'm scared of you.  _ “No…later.”

 

“Promise?”

 

Levi looked to Erwin and sighed. “Promise.”

 

Levi left the bedroom and found by what he heard, it seemed like Erwin headed Levi's advice and took things into his own hands. Levi could've sworn he heard his name, but shrugged it off.

 

He had another glass of wine and sat on the couch. He regretted going into the room and he regretted promising Erwin sex even more. 

 

After the crash, excluding last night, Erwin hadn't asked for sex or anything like that. Levi was completely fine and was too stressed and busy to even think about sex. He became scared of being in bed with Erwin. What if he got angry? The idea of being naked in a bed with him when he got upset was a bit terrifying to Levi.

 

Levi heaved a sigh for what felt like the thousandth time. He went into the bedroom.

 

“Erwin, we need to talk,” he said.

 

“You said that this morning.”

 

“I know,” Levi sat at the edge of the bed. “What the hell has been up with you?”

 

Erwin's mouth fell open slightly. He furrowed his brows at first and Levi prepared for him to yell, but then his face softened.

 

“I-I don't know,” he said. “I just...I don't know.”

 

“Please go see a therapist.”

 

“Fine, but only for you.”

 

“No, for you. Forget me.”

 

Erwin grabbed Levi's hand, “Levi, I know I've been a pathetic mess lately, but please don't leave-”

 

“I didn't mean it like that.” Levi sighed, “I meant don't just get...better for me. Do it for you.”

 

“Oh...okay…”

 

Levi gave a small smile. He leaned in and kissed Erwin.

 

“I-I don't want to anymore,” Erwin fumbled. “Just...sleep with me tonight.”

 

“Of course.”

  
  
  
  


Levi had slept better than he expected,and he hoped Erwin had too. 

 

He made breakfast and was happy to see Erwin come to into the kitchen without him asking. He sat down and ate quietly. Much to Levi’s disappointment, he didn’t look ready for work.

 

“Erwin,” Levi said. “Do you remember what you said last night?”

 

“About seeing a therapist?”

 

“No.” Levi sat down across from Erwin. “You said you panicked yesterday...what happened?”

 

Erwin sucked in a breath, “I’d really rather not talk about it.”

“Erwin-”

 

“I’ll talk about it with the therapist, okay?” Erwin’s voice was soft, normal. “I’ll tell you eventually.”

 

For now, Levi was happy with that answer.

 

“I’m surprised you didn’t get fired yet,” Levi mumbled.

 

“I am too. I told them what happened...sort of; guess they feel bad.”

 

Erwin sighed and continued eating as Levi watched. It stung to hear Erwin call himself a pathetic mess last night, but Levi hoped it was a step in the right direction. He hoped that it meant that Erwin was going to really try and fix it.

 

Levi had made the appointment for the evening, because he had hoped Erwin would have gone to work. Instead, he suggested Erwin go to the gym to help him back in the swing of things. 

 

With Erwin gone, Levi had been able to clean the house the way he wanted. He threw away any alcohol in the house. Not that Erwin couldn’t buy his own, but he thought it was better to not have it in the house for now.

 

Even though it was completely unlike him to do so, Levi allowed himself to doze off. He fell asleep on the couch and only woke up when Erwin had shook him awake.

 

“Sorry it took me so long,” Erwin said. “Something, uh...something happened.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing really. I just...didn’t feel good. I got nervous and didn’t wanna go in.”

 

“Oh, but you did, right?”

 

Erwin laughed and Levi smiled to himself. “Would I be all sweaty if I didn’t?”

 

Levi watched as Erwin went into the kitchen. He opened the cabinets and rummaged through them. He slammed it shut, seemingly not be able to find what he was looking for. He could tell Erwin was frustrated because he was clenching his fists.

 

“What’re you looking for?” Levi asked, sitting up.

 

“Something to drink,” Erwin mumbled. “Did I drink everything?”

 

“I threw them out.”

 

He clenched his jaw, “Oh.”

 

Erwin came back to the couch and put an arm around Levi. He leaned in for a kiss and Levi allowed himself to lean in as well. Erwin gently pushed Levi onto the couch, but before things could go further Levi had to ask:

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine, I just...need something...you.”

Levi wasn’t sure if he liked Erwin’s response, but he needed Erwin too. He stared into Erwin’s eyes before continuing to kiss him. He was the one to initiate something more intimate and it was Erwin who was the one to stop him.

 

“No,” he whispered. “I wanna keep just doing this.”

 

So, despite Levi being able to tell that Erwin was hard in his pants, they kept just doing this.

  
  
  
  
  


When it came time to go to the therapist, Erwin put up a fight. He said that he changed his mind and didn’t wanna go anymore.

 

“Too bad. We’re going.”

 

“No,” Erwin said bitterly. He softened, “What if they say I’m crazy?”

 

“They won’t, Erwin.” Levi couldn’t be sure, but it made to sound so.

 

Erwin stayed silent and turned his attention back to the TV. He put up the volume and paid Levi no attention when he called his name.

 

Levi put a hand on Erwin’s thigh and Erwin immediately turned to him.

 

“What can I do to make you go?”

 

Erwin moved Levi’s hand off his leg, the exact opposite of what Levi thought would happen. He looked at Levi and then looked away. He sighed and stood up.

 

“Do you love me?” he asked. 

 

“Of course I do.” Levi felt his heart sink. “Why do you keep asking me stuff like that?”

 

“Because I…” Erwin trailed off. “Let’s just go, okay?”

 

So they went. The car ride was quiet, but for the first time in a while, it was a comfortable silence. Levi glanced at Erwin from time to time, who was looking out the window as if he were in a movie.

 

Oddly, Levi had high hopes. He knew Erwin was a strong person and that he would get over this, what we  _ this  _ was.

 

It scared Levi when the other therapist had called their marriage strained. He felt responsible for it; he felt just as responsible as Erwin was. He knew that it was his damn pride that was getting in the way of treating Erwin the way he needed to be treated. The whole fight before the crash should've just never happened. He should've kept his damn mouth shut, just like any other time. If he could've been better, Erwin wouldn't be like this.

 

“We're here,” Levi said, pulling into the parking spot.

 

Erwin refused to get out. He stayed glued in his seat. Levi tried not to get frustrated, but it was difficult. He went into the other side of the car and begged Erwin to get out of the car.

 

Losing his cool, he said, “I’m not in the fucking mood, Erwin. Get out.”

 

Erwin opened his mouth, looking away from Levi, and closed it.

 

“Spit it out, Erwin.”

 

“I-I’m embarrassed,” he said finally.

 

“Why? It’s a different therapist.”

 

Erwin rolled his eyes, “Not because of that. It’s just-I don’t them to think I’m crazy.”

 

“Stop saying that.” Levi eased Erwin out of the car. “That’s stupid.”

 

“Sorry, sorry,” Erwin mumbled. “I know I’m being stupid.”

 

Levi waited impatiently for Erwin. He waited for Erwin to scream. He waited for Erwin to stomp out. He waited for Erwin to blame him for all his problems. 

 

But he didn’t.

 

Erwin came out of the room with nervous eyes. Levi hopped to his feet and wrapped arm around Erwin.

 

“How was it?”

 

“Fine,” Erwin said. “Can we go please?”

 

Levi made an appointment for next and paid. He quickly catched up to Erwin as he walked out.

 

He had expected Levi to look more upset, but looked...content. He quietly got into the car and stayed quiet until Levi spoke up.

 

“I’m proud of you, Erwin.”

 

Erwin glanced at Levi briefly with wide eyes. He gave a soft smile.

 

“Thanks.”

 

The ride home was, again, spent in comfortable silence. Levi wanted to talk about his session, but was above pressing Erwin. Things were okay for now and Levi didn’t want to ruin it.

 

When the two arrived home, Erwin hopped in the shower and Levi began making dinner. He wanted to make it a nice dinner for Erwin, but the idea of it being ruining worried him so he decided against it. 

 

Even though Levi couldn’t help but blame himself, he wasn’t stupid. He knew the fights started because of Erwin and anything that started off nice and ended bad was Erwin’s fault. However, he couldn’t push all the blame on Erwin. He knew that most of Erwin’s recent...outbursts had been a product of the crash and the guilt he felt from it. It still explain him not being to control himself, but that was something Levi felt he could worry about after getting Erwin back on his feet.

When Levi was done making dinner, he was surprised to still hear Erwin in the shower.

 

“Erwin,” Levi poked his head in, “You okay in there?”

 

Levi slowly pushed back the shower curtain to reveal Erwin standing with his head bowed, letting the hot water hit his back. Holding back a sigh, Levi turned off a towel and grabbed a towel for Erwin.

 

“Come out,” he said and Erwin did.

 

He dried off Erwin and as Erwin dried off his own hair, Levi fetched his own clothes. He came back with clean clothes and helped Erwin to get dressed, despite Erwin murmuring softly that he didn’t need it help.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Fine, fine. I just...was off someplace else.”

 

Levi nodded, ushering Erwin to the dining room. He kissed Erwin on the cheek before sitting down. He began eating, but Erwin stared at his plate as Levi had put roaches on it.

 

“Eat,” Levi said, exasperated. “I really don’t feel like fighting you on this.”

 

“I-I’m sorry, Levi.”

 

“It’s fine. Just eat.”

 

“No,” Erwin said, looking up to Levi. “I’m sorry, Levi.”

 

“It’s okay, I-”

 

“It’s not okay. I’ve put you through so much lately and I’m sorry.”

 

“If you’re sorry then do something about.”

 

It had come out more bitter than Levi had expected, but Erwin had reacted calmly nonetheless.

 

“I know, I know. I will...I am.”

 

Erwin sounded weak and Levi felt guilty so he looked down at his plate. He kept his head down as he ate, waiting for Erwin to start eating.

 

“I think I’m gonna get a job,” Levi said. He hadn’t meant to guilt-trip Erwin but that’s what he ended up doing.

 

“No, stay at home.” Erwin sighed, “I’ll get my shit together.’

 

Levi was shocked to find that’s exactly what he did. Erwin became engrossed in his job, going in early and stayed late. He came home exhausted and slipped right into bed, saying he picked something up to eat when Levi had offered to make him something.

 

There wasn’t even time for the two of them fight. Levi only saw Erwin in the mornings. They’d eat breakfast, talking of nothing important, and then Erwin was sent off to work with a kiss and a thermos of coffee.

 

Erwin would make a few moves on Levi, which Levi would happily take at first. He was always anxious though, anxious that Erwin would flip and hurt, so Levi would always end up pushing him away. Erwin would grunt and turn on his side, but say nothing about it in the morning.

 

Levi asked if Erwin was okay constantly; he’d always respond with “Of course.” Levi would shrug and accept the answer because Erwin did seem okay. That was it though, he just seemed okay. Levi made sure to keep on his toes, knowing that Erwin would have to blow sometime.

 

He never did though and that scared Levi. He was confused to how Erwin had been keeping his cool, to how Erwin had seemingly fixed himself.

 

Erwin had to be doing something to cope, but Levi couldn’t figure out what it was. Until, Erwin had come home way later than usual, too late. Levi could only think of one thing.

 

“Are you cheating on me, Erwin?” Levi asked one morning at breakfast.

 

Erwin swiftly looked up from his plate. “What?”

 

“Are you seeing someone?”

 

“Levi, come on. Don’t be ridiculous.”

 

“You still haven’t answered yet.”

 

“No. No, I’m not.”

 

“Then what the hell were you doing so late last night?”

 

“Oh,” Erwin laughed, genuinely it seemed. “I fell asleep at my desk.”

 

“Mmm. You’ve been falling asleep a lot at work it seems.”

 

“It’s not like that, Levi. It’s just-” Erwin sighed, “It’s good to keep my focus on something that isn’t myself.”

 

“Right,” Levi said, kicking himself.

 

_ How could I be so stupid?  _ Levi asked himself. He’s seen Erwin do it countless times, even before they were married. He’d always put his focus into work when he was stressed, even if work was the thing stressing him. 

 

“I’m sorry I asked.”

 

“It’s fine.” Erwin grinned and Levi’s heart melted. “I’d be worried too.”

 

The rest of breakfast was spent in silence. Erwin rose from the table and said he was going to get dressed.

 

“It’s Sunday, you don’t have work.”

 

“I know. I’m going out.”

 

“Where?”

 

“Church,” Erwin said simply.

 

Levi rose a brow. He stared at Erwin, waiting for an explanation.

 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Erwin laughed. “I just thought I’d try.”

 

Levi made a face, “Why?”

 

Erwin shrugged, “To just-”

 

“Atone for your sins?” Levi joked.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Levi’s eyes widened slightly, “Oh.”

 

Levi and Erwin had never been ones for religion; never been ones to like it or dislike it. Levi couldn’t help but feel that this meant Erwin was desperate to fix himself and was running out of ideas.

 

“You can come if you want, “ Erwin said, smiling. “I could use a driver.”

 

Levi almost didn’t believe that’s really where Erwin was going, so he went.

 

He wouldn’t want to go again, unless Erwin wanted to, but Levi was surprised with how good he felt when he left. He had expected Erwin to feel the same or even better since he had suggested it. But, when Erwin and Levi got into the car, Erwin shocked Levi with what he said.

 

“I felt like I was going to burst into flames,” Erwin said. “I never wanna go back.”

 

Levi thought for a moment. “Is it cause you’re gay?”

 

“Are you stupid? It’s because I killed someone.”

 

Levi sighed, “Erwin, it was an accident.”

 

“Let’s just go, I feel worse than before.”

 

Levi looked to Erwin, hoped he’d talk about this in therapy, and started the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Things are going to get a bit more serious (not that they weren't before), but just expect things to get tense.


	4. Urges

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long! And sorry if it’s rough! Enjoy nonetheless!

Once Levi had finally gotten Erwin to stop working so much, he actually seemed to be doing well. He stopped complaining about going to therapy and was actually even excited about going at times. He would say how well it went, but was always vague when Levi would ask what he talked about. Levi respected it, not wanting to pressure him to open up if therapy was working for him.

Levi had suggested the two go on vacation and Erwin had actually said yes. He almost couldn’t believe it.

The sun always seemed to make Erwin happier, and Levi knew that. Every summer Erwin would beg Levi to go on vacation and Levi would turn him down. He hated the sun and hot weather, but he knew this would be good for Erwin.

Levi was happy to see Erwin lazing in the with a slight smile on his face.

“Here,” Levi said, slathering Erwin with sunscreen. “I don’t want you to burn on me.”

“Gimme. I’ll do your back for you.”

Wearily, Levi handed over the sunscreen. At first he was only nervous that Erwin wouldn’t do it right, but when Erwin placed his hands on Levi’s back, he tensed. It felt...weird, to say the least. It wasn't like he didn't have Erwin's hands on him before, but he couldn't help but feel uncomfortable at his harsh rubs.

“What's the matter?” Erwin asked.

“Nothing.” Levi snatched the sunscreen from Erwin. “I'll be over there,” he pointed to a chair in the shade, “Just come if you need me.”

Levi didn't have to watch Erwin as closely as he did, but he did so anyway. Levi expected him to jump and do something outrageous (he had no clue of what) for some reason. He had the idea, even though Erwin had been good recently, that something bad was going to happen. It was just a gut feeling.

But he was wrong.

Although nothing did happen and Erwin lied in the sun, only opening his eyes for brief moments, Levi couldn't help but notice Erwin had done something odd. Or perhaps, he had only thought something odd it seemed by the way his brows twitched.

Erwin had opened his eyes, squinting because of the sun, and focused on a woman standing at the edge of the pool; she was talking down to someone in the pool. Erwin had perked up, his fists clenched, and made to get up it looked like, but instead he chewed at his lip and closed his eyes again. His brows were furrowed and he looked as if he was in deep thought. Levi was going to go over, but Erwin's face softened and he relaxed back into his chair.

Once Levi was grossly uncomfortable in the heat and couldn't bear it anymore, even for Erwin, he suggested the two go upstairs to their room.

They both showered, separately of course. It wasn't, or didn't used to be, an odd occurrence when the two showered together. But, Levi was immensely afraid of showering with Erwin. He feared it even more so than being in bed with him.

They hadn't had sex in a long while. Levi desperately craved Erwin and he longed to feel comfortable with Erwin again.

That night, when Erwin had initiated, Levi was quick to follow. He could feel himself becoming more comfortable with Erwin as they progressed. But, when it came time for them to actually have sex, Levi had to pull away.

Levi covered his face with his hands, “I’m sorry…”

“No, no, it's okay, Levi. We’ll just try-Levi? Are you alright?”

Levi clenched his teeth and tried his hardest not to cry. He did not want to cry at a moment like this and he sure as hell didn't want to ruin things.

He mopped his face, wiping the tears away with his hands. “Sorry, sorry.”

“What's the matter? Did I do something to upset you?”

“No,” Levi looked up to Erwin and scrunched his face. “I'm happy.”

“Doesn't look like it…”

“It's just-” Levi cut himself off with a sigh. “Look at me. I'm as mess.”

“Levi, what's wrong?”

“Nothing! That's just it,” Levi looked away from Erwin's eyes. “There's nothing wrong.”

He would've added a “for now”, but it wasn't worth the possibility of Erwin getting upset.

“Oh...well then why are you crying?”

“I wasn't,” Levi lied, mostly to himself.

Erwin laughed, “Okay, okay.”

So, when Levi and Erwin finished. The two showered and Levi went out on the balcony to read while Erwin watched TV.

Things were going smooth. Erwin hadn't had an outburst of any sort, but Levi couldn't help but be concerned with how he was acting.

Levi had asked him to come, told him that the view was really pretty. Erwin responded with a wide-eyed look.

“What's the matter?” Levi asked.

“I don't want to...I-I’m afraid.”

Afraid? “Of what? Sunsets?”

“No, of-I'm afraid of heights.”

Levi rose a brow. No, he wasn't. Levi knew he was lying, but couldn't figure out why he would he would be though. Maybe he was annoyed? He didn't seem annoyed. He did seem genuinely scared though; he was clenching and unclenching his fists. Levi knew for a fact Erwin wasn't afraid of heights...or was he?

Before Levi could speak, Erwin mumbled that he was going to lie down and then did so.

When Levi suggested they go out for dinner, Erwin was willing to. He didn't put up a fight or anything, just stayed quiet. Dinner was quiet as well at first, but Levi managed to get Erwin to talk.

Erwin drowsily rubbed at his eyes and told Levi he was drained.

“I'm gonna lie down,” Erwin said. “G’night.”

Levi ended up following Erwin into the bedroom, not wanting to let Erwin fall asleep before they could talk. He found Erwin sitting on the edge of the bed, already undressed, staring at the TV with parted lips.

Levi looked towards the TV that wasn't turned on, “Interesting?”

“What? Oh, no, I...I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

Erwin fell onto his back and Levi laid next to him. They both stared up at the ceiling, silent. Levi stole glances at Erwin, who was staring wide-eyes and looked as if he wanted to say something. Levi hoped that was true and stayed quiet.

Fortunately, Erwin did talk. What he said didn't exactly make Levi happy, but he was happy Erwin had told him.

“You know that urge you get when you stand on like, a really high roof?” Erwin asked.

Levi nodded, having a sick feeling he knew where Erwin was going.

“And you wanna jump, but you don't wanna end it? Like you just think ‘what if I just jumped?’ Or ‘what if I pushed someone off?’”

“What?”

“I just keep getting those,” Erwin said. “And I feel like I just have to do it.”

“So earlier today…?”

“I wanted to push her,” he said and Levi understood.

Levi sighed through his nose, “Not what I meant, Erwin…”

“Oh...I didn't want to get the urge to want to jump...or push you.”

Subconsciously, Levi moved away from Erwin. He turned his head to look at Erwin.

“Because you don't want to jump or push me...right?”

Erwin stayed silent and sat up. Levi was too scared to sit up next to him.

“ _Right_?” Levi repeated.

“Of course I wouldn't want to push you!” Erwin snapped, but regained his composure quickly. “Why would I want to do that?”

“You don't want to jump either, right?”

Levi quickly sat up when Erwin didn’t respond.

“ _Right_?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“You know how I feel about myself,” Erwin said flatly. “Don’t act so surprised.”

“I didn’t know you wanted to kill yourself.”

“You did so! You checked my wrists that one time!”

“Because I was scared,” Levi admitted, “What was I supposed to think?”

Erwin opened his mouth to protest, but Levi continued.

“What was I ever supposed to think? When you hit me? All the times you flipped and did something? When-”

“I get it, Levi,” Erwin rasped. “You can stop now.”

Levi sighed and laid back down; he quickly sat back up though.

“You’ve told me this before,” he said. “That night...you said the same thing.”

Erwin looked over his shoulder at Levi. “What?”

“That you just felt like you had to do it,” Levi expanded. “That time you said you panicked at the office, did this whole...thing have anything to do with it?”

Erwin dragged his gaze away from Levi, nodding. He decided not to explain and Levi decided not to press any further. Before Levi could say anything, Erwin stood up. He sighed heavily and stumbled out of the room without uttering a word.

Levi laid back down and stared at the ceiling, listening to the sounds of Erwin throwing up in the bathroom. He tended to do that when he was nervous and overwhelmed and always made Levi want to do it himself. He thought about checking on Erwin, but before he could Erwin was back in the room.

“Do you hate me?” Erwin mumbled into the sheets.

“Of course I don’t.”

“How?” Erwin asked. “I-I’m so-”

“It’s not like you really did anything,” Levi cut him off. “Other than hitting me those two times...it really isn’t something you should feel guilty for.”

Erwin turned his head and looked at Levi’s profile. “How could you say that?”

“What?”

Erwin propped himself up on his elbows, his eyes wide. “You really don’t understand, do you?”

“So make me.”

Instead of giving a real response like Levi had hoped, Erwin responded by staring at Levi with a scared face. He resembled a kid who had been caught sneaking cookies, Levi thought, looks like someone who had been caught red-handed.

“Are you lying to me?” Levi asked.

“What? No! Why would you ask that?”

“Because you look guilty and there’s nothing to even be guilty over. That night,” Levi said and Erwin knew what he meant. “Before anything happened, you said you just feel like have to do it. Is that true?”

“I-It is…” Erwin trailed off. “And it’s true now.”

“Okay.” Levi sighed, “I’m guessing that whole situation didn’t help.”

Erwin didn’t respond, just stared at Levi.

“There’s that face again...what it is?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

Erwin rolled into his side, facing away from Levi. Although he couldn’t be sure, Levi figured Erwin didn’t want him to see him choked up. He didn’t make any noise, or say anything, until he fell asleep and began to snore.

Levi thought of leaving him and going to the couch. He kicked himself for feeling scared of Erwin, yet again. He bit his lip and stayed in the bed next to Erwin, hoping he wouldn’t wake up from a nightmare.

By the time morning came, Erwin was already out of the bed. Levi was the first one up, always. Well, he was the first one to get out of bed at least, and always had the responsibility of yanking the blanket off Erwin. Today however, was different.

Levi woke to the find the bed empty. He checked the bathroom, of course, and called Erwin’s phone only to hear it ringing from Erwin’s jeans on the floor.

Panic set in quick for Levi, as it usually did. The conversation from last night weighed heavily on his mind and thought about the worst. What scared Levi was that there wasn’t much places to look. There was really only the bathroom. Levi had hoped Erwin didn’t take the car, because he could theoretically go anywhere and Levi couldn’t follow since they had only driven one car.

He could check the balcony, but Erwin was scared, right? Unless he…

Levi swung open the curtains to thankfully see Erwin’s back. He was leaning over the edge, peering down at the ground below. He gripped the balcony harshly, and Levi thought it was to ground himself.

Erwin quickly looked back when Levi slid open the door. He kept his hands on the railing and looked at Levi with a face that screamed guilt.

“You okay?” Levi asked casually.

“I’m fine, just needed some fresh air…”

Levi put his hand on Erwin’s back, ready to grip his shirt. “You weren’t thinking about jumping...were you?”

“No, no...not _actually_ …”

“Actually…?”

“When I look down I get the urge to...don’t you?”

Levi looked down, then towards Erwin’s pleading face. “Kind of.”

“But you never actually do it, right? U-Until you do…”

Levi rose a brow, “You okay?”

“No...yes! Yes, I’m fine. I-“ Erwin cut himself off with a sigh. He gave a smile that Levi felt didn’t reach his eyes, “I’m still here, right?”

“Right,” Levi said, feeling his stomach sink.

Erwin sighed again and walked off the balcony. He slammed the door behind him and left Levi alone.

Levi peered over the edge and wished to get the urge Erwin did. He’d be lying if he said he was completely unaware of what Erwin meant, but he never felt the urge as strong as Erwin seemed to. He wondered if Erwin hadn’t gotten to that crash, maybe the urge wouldn’t be so strong.

Before Levi got a chance to overthink, he went back inside. He was happy to hear Erwin showering and went into the room to get changed.

Levi found himself feeling hopeful for today. He had thought of Erwin’s confession, as scary as it was, as a big step forward. However, Levi’s hope vanished when he checked on Erwin in the shower.

He was taking quite a while, but he usually did. This time though, he was taking too long. Levi went into the bathroom and was relieved to see Erwin’s silhouette still standing behind the shower curtain. He was not relieved to see Erwin just standing in the shower doing nothing when he pulled back the curtain.

It was an odd habit Erwin had formed; staying in the shower. It was the first (or second, or third) Levi had to pull Erwin out of the shower after spacing out.

“Erwin, are you alright?”

Erwin looked up slowly, his eyes wide, “I’m fine, I-“

“Come on out,” Levi said, grabbing a towel. “Come on.”

Erwin stepped out and Levi wrapped the towel around his waist. He turned the water off and turned his attention to Erwin.

“What’s the matter?”

“I just, uh...I’m-“

“Relax,” Levi said. “Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I-I-I don’t know! I just...I don’t know…”

Levi sighed. He remained silent as he finished drying off Erwin. He picked up Erwin’s pyjamas and told him to get cleaned clothes.

“Go,” Levi mumbled when Erwin didn’t respond.

“I’m sorry, Levi,” Erwin rasped on his way out.

Throughout the day, Erwin was incredibly quiet. Levi found himself running out of things to fill their conversations with. He began to talk what he knew was nonsense but Erwin didn’t seem to mind.

“Am I bad person, Levi?” Erwin asked abruptly.

Levi paused in the middle of what he was saying. He looked at Erwin and sighed.

“Don’t ask me that,” he said lowly.

“Don’t wanna have to lie to me?”

“Because I don’t think you’re being honest with me,” Levi said. “What are you hiding?”

“I-I told you last night…”

“That’s all you wanted to tell me?”

Erwin stayed silent.

“You wanted to hit me...is that it? You wanted to push me over-“

“No! God-No!” Erwin’s face twisted. “Why the hell would you say that?”

“I don’t know...I’m sorry.” Levi sighed loudly, “You have to be honest with me, Erwin...is what you told me last night all you wanted to tell me?”

“Yes...that was it. I’m sorry from keeping it from you.”

“Would’ve been a big fucking help to know sooner,” Levi mumbled. “But you told me now...so it’ll have to do.”

Erwin was quiet for a few moments before pressing.

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Am I a bad person?” Erwin asked.

“No,” Levi said, still unsure. Erwin could be selfish and impulsive but he always felt guilt, so Levi said again: “No, of course not.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took over a month, but it's finally here! As always, sorry in advance for mistakes!

Once the two had returned home, Erwin started slipping back into bad habits. He resumed going to work, and

working reasonable hours, but as soon as he’d get home he’d slip straight into the bedroom. Levi was

constantly reminding him to do simple things, like brush his teeth, or take a shower, or anything like that. It

frustrated Levi immensely, but he wouldn’t do anything more than huff a sigh when he had to remind Erwin.

“Erwin,” Levi said, stepping into the room. “Dinner.”

“Not hungry.”

“Don’t start shit again. Eat.”

Levi kicked himself for getting frustrated quickly. He sighed heavily and made to leave.

“I’ll eat, I’ll eat,” Erwin mumbled with a wave of his hand. He got up to go to the table and stopped when he

stood next to Levi.

“Stop getting angry so easily,” he said. “Control yourself.”

When Erwin slammed the door behind him, leaving Levi in the room alone, it took every ounce of self-control

not to lose it. He clenched his fists and sucked in a breath; he let it out slowly and followed Erwin.

“It’s good,” Erwin said casually. “I like it.”

“Tch,” Levi folded his arms when he sat at the table. “Thought it was dry.”

“No, no, not at all! It’s great.”

Levi made a face. “Right, whatever.”

When Erwin was finished, he poured himself and Levi another glass of wine.

“I don’t want any more.”

Erwin shrugged, “Already poured it.”

Letting a playful sigh for the first time in a while, Levi sipped his wine and said, “I hate wine...makes me all red

in the face.”

“But you’re so pretty.”

Levi went red in the face and ducked his head down.

Erwin reached for the wine bottle again and spilt it all over Levi’s hand when he held his glass out for more.

“Napkins, Erwin. Stop staring.”

Erwin stood up, eyes wide at Levi’s hand. “It wasn’t an accident.”

“What? Why would…” Levi sighed through his nose. “Erwin…”

“I-It wasn’t an accident, Levi. I’m sorry.”

“I heard you the first time,” Levi said, standing up. He washed his hands and turned to look at Erwin.

“What?” Erwin asked.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I-I already told you, I-“

“No. Right now. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I-I’m trying to tell you it wasn’t an accident.”

Levi tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for a better answer.

“I’m waiting,” he said.

“I’m trying to tell you that I wanted to do it.”

Levi’s face twitched in confusion. “What?”

“I wanted to pour the wine on your hand,” Erwin pushed out.

Levi rose a brow, “Really?”

“I-I’m sorry...I’ll just...I’m gonna go lay down.”

“‘Course…” Levi trailed after Erwin into the bedroom. “Pissing and moaning isn’t going to help anything.”

Erwin didn’t reply as he slipped under the covers. He pressed his face into the sheets and Levi expected him to

start crying, but he didn’t. Levi sat on the bed, debating whether to pick a fight with Erwin now or later. He

decided on later, and put a hand on Erwin’s back and rubbed

“Erwin, what’s wrong?”

Erwin mumbled into the pillow.

“Lift your head up and speak.”

“I told you already!” Erwin yelled, face still buried. “I tried to tell you…”

“The accident thing? You’re not making any damn sense.”

“Just leave me be,” Erwin said. “Sorry I said anything.”

Levi rubbed circles onto Erwin’s back for a few moments before pulling himself up. He left the room, trying to

think of what the hell Erwin was talking about.

Although Erwin’s confession has cleared up some questions, quite frankly, it didn’t really help. It made Levi even

more confused and left him with even more questions. Levi got annoyed with Erwin all the time because he was

just so damned confused.

Levi cleaned up the table, moving slowly. He cleaned the wine, pitying Erwin all the while long.

Wanted to pour the wine on my hand? Levi thought,  What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Before he could over think too much— _What if he tries to kill me_? —Levi slipped back into the bedroom just as

Erwin began to walk out.

“Excuse me,” Erwin rasped, “I’ll be right back.”

Erwin shoved past Levi, trying to make his way to the front door before Levi stopped him.

“The hell are you going?”

“I have to uh...just out.”

“Like hell you are,” Levi folded his arms. “Out with it.”

“I told you,” Erwin said, grabbing his jacket and slipping it on. “Out.”

Before Levi could stop him, Erwin left with a slam of the door. Levi flung open the door and watched as Erwin

walked down the hallway; he debated chasing after him but thought better of it. He huffed a sigh and shut the

door.

Waiting for Erwin to get back was nerve-wracking. He regretted letting Erwin leave, not chasing after him. He

wanted to trust that Erwin wouldn’t cause harm to himself — or others for that matter — but wasn’t sure if he

could.

Much to relief, Erwin came home safely. He wasn’t drunk, or didn’t appear to be at least, and seemed to be in a

better mood.

When Levi asked him where he had went, Erwin simply replied. “To see my therapist.”

“Oh,” Levi said, sounding more surprised than he wanted.

“Sorry I didn’t tell you before...I was just anxious.”

Levi wanted to say that it wasn’t “just anxious”; that it was a lot more of a problem than just a bit of anxiety. Any

type of anxiety of Erwin’s made Levi feel anxious, and he could only hope Erwin felt the same.

“You feel alright?” Levi asked, wrapping both his arms around Erwin.

“Yeah,” Erwin sighed heavily, “Fine…”

“What is it?”

“Nothing...there’s just something I need to tell you.”

Levi prepared everything in himself for what Erwin was going to say. Having no idea what it could possibly be, a

million things ran through his mind.

Erwin looked down at Levi with a guilty face that made his stomach flip.

“What is it?” Levi asked impatiently.

“Uh…” Erwin widened his eyes, peeling Levi off him. “Never mind, it’s not important.”

“Seems pretty important,” Levi mumbled as Erwin stumbled towards the couch. “Why won’t you tell me?”

Erwin plopped himself on the couch, smushing his face into the pillow. Levi sighed and sat on the arm.

“That whole wine thing...what was that about?”

“I told you already.”

Although that was hardly true, Levi stayed quiet. He didn’t want to pick a fight with Erwin when he felt he should

be rewarding him for going to his therapist.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin mumbled.

“Don’t apologize,” Levi said. “I just need you to tell me what the hell is going on with you.”

“I’m trying to.”

“You’re not.”

Erwin rolled onto his back and mopped his face, “I am…”

“Then what is it?”

Erwin sat up and looked to Levi. He opened his mouth to speak, but quickly shut it.

“Out with it.”

“It...It wasn’t an accident.”

“The wine thing? You told me that already. Why-“

“You’re clearly not understanding, never mind.”

“No! I’m clearly not!” Levi snapped. “So make me.”

Erwin allowed his head to fall back, he closed his eyes. “Please just leave me alone.”

“Erwin.”

“Please,” he begged.

So Levi decided to leave him alone, feeling it wasn’t the time to start an argument. In a way, he was proud of

Erwin. He wasn’t in the mood for be angry at him or force Erwin to spill everything to him.

“Fine,” Levi said, getting up. “I love you.”

Levi had expected for Erwin to sit up at least, but Levi found himself happier when he said:

“I know. I love you too.”

Hoping Erwin was okay on his own, Levi decided to go out. For once, only talking to Erwin—and the cashier at

the grocery store—wasn’t enough for him. Levi pushed it to Erwin not being himself lately and the fact that he

got annoyed or upset when he talked to Erwin.

“You still with me?”

Levi blinked at his friend, Hange. She rose a brow.

“What?” He asked.

“Did you even hear anything I was saying?” She asked. Before Levi could respond, she spoke again. “What’s

wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong...with me, at least.”

“What’s that-Oh...Erwin?”

“Yeah…” Levi trailed off.

“That why you aren’t wearing your ring?”

Levi looked to his left hand. “I forgot,” he said, “I took a shower and it slipped my mind.” Although the couldn’t

recall when.

“So,” Hange started, widening her eyes slightly. “What’s up with Erwin?”

“I have no fucking clue. He barely lets me in.”

“Now you know what it feels like,” she mumbled. “Certainly he had to tell you something.”

Levi frowned. “What?”

“Certainly he had to tell you something,” Hange repeated. “What?”

“There’s just nothing to tell him. I’m-“

“Don’t start with that. You and I both know that isn’t true.” She sighed, “Just tell him how you feel.”

Levi made a face.

“He should know...no?”

“That I’m fed up with him?”

Hange gave a small laugh, “Maybe put it in different way.”

Levi sipped on his wine impatiently as Hange spoke. Hange got the message that Levi was in the mood to talk,

so she filled most of the conversation.

Levi felt himself getting more relaxed. He sat back and listened as Hange spoke about whatever came to her

mind. He drank wine after wine since Hange had said she’d pay.

“Levi? Are you alright?”

He put his head down to hide his flush. “I’m fine…”

“You barely ate,” she laughed, “Just drank.”

Levi didn’t say thing in reply, just let out a low moan.

Hange laughed again, shaking her head. She sighed be check and pulled Levi to his feet.

“Oof...let’s get you home.”

“Don’t let me drive,” Levi mumbled.

“Wouldn’t dream of it...you’d kill someone.”

Hange offered to walk Levi into the house, he of course declined, but she did so anyway. Hange grabbed

the key from Levi after his attempts to shove it in the hole and opened the door to see Erwin sitting on the

couch.

“Erwin!” She exclaimed, “It’s good to see you!”

Erwin didn’t turn to face either of them, just kept his head bowed. Levi scoffed and stumbled over to Erwin.

“Erwin,” he said. “What happened to your hand?”

Slowly, Erwin slid his gaze to Levi. “What?”

“Your fingers bleeding, dumbass. What’d you do?”

“Oh, uh…” Erwin looked around the room.  Probably trying to find something to lie about, Levi thought. He

looked to his finger. “Oh, that’s right. I cut it on the paper I was reading.”

“It appears you have,” Hange said. “I’ll grab a band-aid.”

Leaving Levi and Erwin alone, Hange made her way to the bathroom. Levi sighed and plopped himself next to

Erwin. He leaned against Erwin heavily and sighed again.

“Do you want a divorce?” Erwin asked abruptly.

“What?” Levi felt himself sober up a bit. “No. Why are you asking me that?”

Erwin shoved Levi off. “Then why aren’t you wearing your ring?”

“Erwin, I just forgot.”

“Three weeks is a long time to forget.”

Before Levi could respond, Hange came back into the room. She held out the band-aid for Erwin, which he

didn’t reach to take. Levi snatched it from her hand and grabbed Erwin’s hand.

“Take it, freak.”

Erwin sat staring at the wall, his gaze purposefully away from Levi. He sighed and mouthed a thank you to

Hange.

“I’ll leave you two to it,” Hange said awkwardly, she put a hand on each of their shoulders. She offered a small

smile to Levi and headed for the door.

Erwin kept his gaze away from Levi while he applied the band-aid. Levi scoffed and hopped to his feet. He

poured himself and Erwin a glass of wine.

“Want it?”

When Erwin didn’t respond, Levi rolled his eyes and down one glass. He brought the other glass into the

bedroom. Erwin sighed and followed Levi into the bedroom. He watched as Levi placed his empty wine glass on

the nightstand and got undressed.

“Quit staring at me.”

“Sorry,” Erwin mumbled, averting his eyes. “Can we talk?”

“What about?” Levi shoved passed Erwin and rummaged through his drawers.

“Us.”

Levi put on pyjamas and slipped into bed. He rolled on his side, facing away from Erwin.

“You gonna talk or what?” Levi asked impatiently.

“Right.” Erwin got into the bed with Levi. “Why, uh, why-”

“Why am I not wearing my ring?”

Erwin stayed quiet and Levi had to turn around to see him nod.

“I told you. I forgot to put it on after my shower, it’s in the bathroom.”  I think .

“I forget mine too, but it usually hits me before the day is over.”

“Stop tip-toeing and say what you wanna say.”

“Do you still love me?”

“We’re back at this again?”

Levi rolled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. He wasn’t naive. He didn’t think that just because he was

married that his relationship was perfect; he knew that he’d have to work at it. He just didn’t think it’d be ___ this _

hard.

“I’m just asking because-”

“Would you still love me if I pissed you off constantly?” Levi whined. “Or if you didn’t know what the hell I was

gonna do next? Or-or if being with me meant constantly getting your love for me questioned?”

“Just answer me, Levi.”

“Yes, too much probably.” He turned his head to look at Erwin. “Why do you think I’m still with you?”

“I dunno...you don’t act like you want to be…”

“How am I supposed to act?” Levi moaned, turning over into his stomach. “You’re so frustrating I don’t even

know what to do with myself.”

Levi pressed his face into the cold pillow. He made another noise that Erwin couldn’t be sure if it was another

moan or a grunt of frustration.

“Levi, look at me.” When Levi didn’t respond, Erwin gently grabbed his hair and lifted his head.

“What?”

“Are you alright?”

“Let go.” Levi said and Erwin did.

“Levi, I-“

“What can I do to make it stop?” Levi asked. “I just want things to go back to normal.” He pressed his face into

the pillow again. “What am I doing wrong?”

“Nothing...it’s me.”

Levi took a moment to respond. Erwin awkwardly waited for him to reply, mostly expecting Levi to disagree

since he always blamed himself. Although, Erwin wasn’t exactly surprised when Levi agreed with him.

“It is you,” Levi said, lifting his head. “I’ve been stressing myself sick over you and thought everything was my

fault.”

“I’m sorry, Levi.”

“You sure as hell better be.” Levi tried to lift himself up, but fell back onto the bed. “You ruined our marriage.

Not me.”

Levi was too out of it to stop himself. He couldn’t say that he  completely disagrees with that he said, but he wish

he hadn’t said it.

Maybe Levi would’ve felt better if Erwin fought back or got angry. Instead, he just widened his eyes and stared

at Levi.

“I-I know, I know. I…I’m sorry, Levi.”

“I don’t wanna hear it,” Levi mumbled.

“I uh, I’ll be right back,” Erwin said abruptly. He got up and shuffled out of the room.

Levi figured he was going to throw in the bathroom from nerves or something. He tried to listen but felt himself

get incredibly drowsy. He managed to keep his heavy lids open until Erwin came back into the room and

slammed the door.

“The hell is your problem?” Levi asked, lifting his head.

Erwin didn’t respond and threw himself on the bed. He turned his head away from Levi.

“I don’t know,” he responded minutes later when Levi almost forgot what he asked.

“Figure it the hell out.” Levi moved closer to Erwin and laid up against him. “And do it fast.”

Levi felt his eyes get heavy again and tried to keep them open. He was scared that if he fell asleep and left Erwin

alone he’d do something harmful to himself, or to Levi if he got the idea in his head. It wasn’t until Erwin began

to snore did Levi let himself fall asleep.

When Levi blinked himself awake the next morning, he wasn’t surprised to find Erwin out of bed. Remembering

it was Sunday and Erwin couldn’t be out of work, Levi pulled himself out of bed. He clumsily made his way out

of the room to find Erwin watching TV with the sound so low Levi couldn’t hear it until he sat next to Erwin.

Erwin turned the TV up and put an arm around Levi. “I didn’t wanna wake you,” he explained.

Levi stared at Erwin’s profile, shocked by how unaffected he seemed by his words last night.

“Erwin,” he said and Erwin looked at him, “Do you remember what I said last night?”

“Of course.”

“I-I’m sorry,” Levi stuttered. “I shouldn’t-”

“Listen, you didn’t tell me anything I didn’t think, but...you didn’t mean it, right?” Erwin asked, and then

corrected: “At least not completely...right?”

“No,” Levi said, but it felt a lie to him. “Of course not.”

Levi felt Erwin relax. He kissed Levi’s cheek and turned his attention back to the TV. After Levi was as

uncomfortable as he could get, he slipped away from Erwin and got off the couch.

“You alright, Levi?”

“It’s not like I did anything,” Levi said instead of just nodding like should have. “Why should any of the blame be

put on me?”

“What?” Erwin sat up straighter. “No, I wasn’t saying anything like that...I’m not taking away blame from myself.

I just meant...do you really think our marriage is ruined?”

“You don’t?”

“I…” Erwin trailed off. “I wouldn’t say ruined, maybe just...strained.”

“And whose fault do you think that is?” Levi asked without thinking. “Sorry…”

Erwin’s shoulder slouched and he looked away from Levi, “I-I’m sorry…I don’t even know how to fix it…”

Levi sighed and sat back down on the couch. “I know, but you’re working on it...right?”

Erwin widened his eyes, “Y-Yeah.”

Levi tried to smile and put a hand on Erwin’s thigh. “Right, so even if things are bad right now, it’ll get better.”

He couldn’t help but feel sorry for Erwin when he childishly asked, “You really think so?”

_No_. “Yes.”


	6. Intimacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, it's been months, but chapter 6 is finally here! It's a tad bit longer than the others, although with the spacing it may not seem that way, and feels a little all over the place. I just wanted to showcase where Levi and Erwin are at. As usual, sorry for mistakes and such, but enjoy!

Surprisingly, things were back to normal. Levi was skeptical though; he didn’t want to get disappointed. He felt he was able to relax, but didn’t want to completely dismiss the situation. Sometimes Levi felt as if almost nothing had happened with Erwin, as if it were in the distant past.

It wasn’t like he and Erwin didn’t ever have any more fights. Levi always got frustrated easily, whether or not it was about Erwin, and Erwin always had to prove himself right. Despite this, they were doing well.

Even though the two were doing well, Erwin was kept saying worrying things. Offhandedly, he’d say self-deprecating things and Levi would always have to tell him to stop it. If it wasn’t that, Erwin would ask weird questions that made Levi question if he things were really  alright between them. But, the moments when they’d lie in bed together, or on the couch, or go out to dinner...those moments always made Levi feel like everything was almost back to normal.

As the two lied in bed each night, the option of sex usually lingered. When the two first met until the their first few years of marriage, they felt they couldn’t get enough of it. Their sex drives died down and sex became a thing the two only did once in awhile. After Erwin had...his rough patch, as Levi put it to Hange when she asked, Levi still found himself a tiny bit afraid of being in bed with Erwin. They had done it once, but that was it. 

Levi didn’t bring it up. Luckily for him, when he rejected sex, Erwin simply shrugged. Sometimes Erwin would let out a small sigh, but there was nothing more than that. Levi expected Erwin to at least ask what was wrong, since it was a reasonable question. He didn’t, but Levi knew that would change.

And it did. 

Levi had genuinely enjoyed himself during dinner, although it was nothing special- just a home-cooked meal. That, and the wine in him, made him make advancements on Erwin. Erwin gladly accepted it. When Levi realized how intimate things were getting, he pushed Erwin away.

“What’s the matter? You alright?”

“I’m fine,” Levi mumbled. “I just don’t wanna do anything.”

“You never wanna seem to do anything. Something wrong?”

“No, I-”

“Just be honest with me, Levi.”  

“I’m just…I have to get used it, alright?”

“Okay…” Erwin said with both of his hands up, in defense it seemed. “That’s okay.”

“But-”

“So we don’t have sex until you’re comfortable.” Erwin pressed his lips to Levi’s cheek. “Fine with me.”

Levi blinked at Erwin, taken back by how smooth he was talking. Erwin, still hovering over Levi, offered a smile.

 “I get that things can’t magically fix themselves, Levi.” Erwin let himself fall back onto the pillows. “But I know it’ll be okay.”

Levi turned on his side, facing away from Erwin. He was incredibly confused. He didn’t quite understand where Erwin was coming from, or where this side of Erwin was coming from. Even before Erwin had began to act weird, he couldn’t help but grunt or roll his eyes sometimes when Levi turned down sex even after initiating it. He’d always back off of course, just wouldn’t be so accepting about it. 

He put the thoughts to the back of his head and figured he shouldn’t question Erwin not acting outrageous. Levi couldn’t help but wonder what exactly was working for Erwin though. Was it therapy? Something his therapist prescribed maybe…? Erwin wouldn’t keep something like that a secret. Levi could hope at least.

Keeping the question of what (and if) Erwin was diagnosed with to himself, Levi kept his mouth shut. He wasn’t stupid, so he knew stifling important questions wasn’t exactly a good idea; however, if Erwin keeping to himself was working for him, he’d allow it.

When Erwin began to snore, Levi allowed himself to relax a bit. He studied Erwin’s face; how so soft his face looked when he was asleep. Levi wondered briefly if he looked the same when he slept. 

Levi put his hand on Erwin’s chest. He felt his chest rise up with each breath and fall with each breath out. Levi pecked him on the check and rested his head.

 

In the morning, Levi woke up to the smell of breakfast burning and no Erwin in the bed.

He jumped to his feet and went into the kitchen.

“Sorry!” Erwin shouted, turning the stove off, then on, then off. “Just trying to make breakfast.”

“Poorly,” Levi hinted at a smile. “Just leave it to me.”

Erwin pressed his lips to Levi’s, “As always.”

Erwin sat down at the table with a mug of coffee as Levi started breakfast. Erwin hummed to himself and Levi,  didn’t feel himself get annoyed at it. He softly smiled to himself, hiding it in his shoulder. 

“Hey, Levi.”

“Mm.”

“Let’s do something.”

Levi looked over his shoulder and put a hand on his hip, “What something?”

“I dunno...something fun.”

Levi turned back to the stove, waiting for Erwin to give an idea as he thought of one himself. He frowned at the thought of Erwin being unhappy or bored in their relationship, but it was to be expected Levi supposed. Their relationship hadn’t been fun or exciting lately; even in the beginning it wasn’t.

“I got nothing,” Levi mumbled.

“Doesn’t really matter,” Erwin shrugged. “I just thought it’d be nice.”

When Levi was finished making breakfast, he set a plate for himself and Erwin. He sat across from Erwin and waited for him to start eating for before he ate himself.

“Something on my face?” Levi asked, looking down to his plate.

“What? No.”

“Then what the hell are you staring at me?”

“Oh,” Erwin laughed. “You’re just-“

“If you call me beautiful or some crap like that…”

“I was gonna say angry-looking,” he said. “Am I bothering you?”

“That’s my face, you know that.”

Erwin just smiled and Levi rose a brow.

“What now?” he asked.

“Nothing, nothing…”

Levi stood up, grabbing his plate, but Erwin reached over and reached for his arm. Levi jerked back.

“What?”

“You’re looking kinda thin, Levi.”

“What?”

“You should finish.”

Levi sighed and sat back down. He supposed Erwin was right. He also supposed that the same could be said for Erwin. He grumbled as he finished the rest of his plate.

“How about we just go to a nice dinner?” Erwin asked.

“Doesn’t really sound that fun…we already do that.”

“It will be,” Erwin smiled. “I promise.”

“Fine.” Levi stood up, taking his now empty plate and Erwin’s. “But it’ll be your treat.”

When Erwin came home from work later that day, the two went out for dinner. Levi made sure to dress in the suit he knew Erwin loved, but was surprised when Erwin had complimented him. 

While Levi couldn’t help but feeling awkward, Erwin seemed to be feeling fine. He seemed to be feeling way more than fine. He was smiling and laughing and Levi felt his chest go warm. Erwin hadn’t even so much as sipped his wine and it warmed Levi to see him be himself again without it.

“Shut up for a sec,” Levi mumbled, looking around the restaurant. “This place looks familiar, but I don’t remember the name at all…”

“It went through a name change a while ago.”

“What was called before?”

Erwin simply smiled and shrugged.

Levi looked down at his plate and racked his brain for what the hell he recognized the place at all. He looked back at Erwin, who was twirling his wedding ring with his thumb.

“This is where you first proposed,” Levi said, finally, after staring dumbly at Erwin.

He said “first” because the first time Erwin proposed, Levi turned him down. He wanted desperately to marry Erwin, but was mortally embarrassed when everyone in the restaurant turned their heads to look. Well, that and the fact the Levi felt like he wasn’t ready to be married and was scared of getting a divorce.

The fear of divorce had been one that Levi had mostly forgotten about, but it still lingered in the back of his mind. 

“Yeah! I wasn’t sure if you’d remember.”

“Course I do.”

Reminiscing on the early days of their marriage made Levi giddy with love. Much to Erwin’s shock, he even suggested the two go for a walk after they had finished.

As the pair walked, Levi leaned onto Erwin and put an arm around his waist. As great as he felt, he still had a sick feeling in his stomach that something was missing. A special kind of comfort that he only had with Erwin. Or that he used to have with Erwin.  

Erwin put a hand under Levi jaw and rose Levi’s head up to look at him. “You okay?”

Levi’s jaw clenched in Erwin’s hand, “Of course.”

Erwin leaned down and kissed Levi. “I love you.”

Levi averted his gaze, “I love you too.”

Once Levi began to complain that he was cold, Erwin decided they go home. The car ride home was...weird, at least for Levi. He knew Erwin was going to try and initiate sex and he felt guilty that he just wasn’t ready. It wasn’t that he was worried Erwin would push him into sex; he was worried about disappointing Erwin.

As expected, Erwin was practically all over Levi before they even got inside. Levi didn’t push him away, but he didn’t play into it either. It was until they were in the bedroom before Levi rolled onto his side.

“I’m tired.”

Levi felt Erwin’s eyes on him before he lied down next to him, Erwin’s back to him. “Me too.”

Levi quickly glanced over his shoulder and felt a pit of guilt for whatever the hell Erwin was trying to say. He heaved a sigh and rolled around so he was facing Erwin’s back. He almost reached out to Erwin. Almost.

The following several weeks, Erwin didn’t so much as kiss Levi. He wasn’t cold, just distant when it came to anything remotely physical, which confused Levi. He’d lean in for a kiss, only to have Erwin cower away and pretend he didn’t. 

Levi wasn’t sure how to bring it up. He was anxious that he’d get an answer that’d leave him more upset than anything else. If he was honest, he didn’t even know what answer he wanted from Erwin. Nothing Levi could think of Erwin saying would make him happy, or at least not upset in the least.

Levi had complained about it to Hange, who didn’t quite understand the problem.

“Did you not hear me? He won’t even kiss me.”

Hange shot a brow up, “Didn’t you not want to do anything physical with him…? And now you’re not, what’s the issue?”

“I wasn’t ready for sex, I didn’t want everything to end.” Levi sighed, “Maybe he’s starting to hate me.”

“Maybe he thinks you hate him.”

Levi stayed quiet, because obviously that was the answer he thought; he just didn’t want to hear anyone else say it. Surely that couldn’t really be it. Levi hoped that he made his love for Erwin very apparent during the last few months, but perhaps he hadn’t tried hard enough. Maybe Erwin just wasn’t getting the message.

“But you don’t, right?”

Levi brought his eyes from Hange’s TV to her, “What?”

“You don’t hate him, do you?”

Levi scoffed, “Of course not. It’s just...never mind.”

“No, what?"

“I’m just getting tired of trying so hard.”

Hange let out a low whistle, “Oh.”

They both stayed quiet for a while, their focus back onto the TV. Levi kept glancing at Hange, trying to see if she was going to say something. She kept her mouth shut and didn’t look at Levi whatsoever.

Hange suddenly laughed, “Stop looking at me like that.” Before Levi could open his mouth, she spoke again. “Marriage isn’t easy, Levi, you know that.”

“I do, but, it shouldn’t be this hard.”

Hange sighed, “You gotta talk to him.”

“What? I-I can’t.”

“Yes you can. Just tell him about, tell him everything you feel.”

“Should I give him every reason to accept that I’m for real?”

Hange cracked into a smile, “Shut up, I’m being serious."

Levi rose from the couch. “I should go,” he said. “Check on Erwin.”

“You’re gonna talk to him, right?”

“I’ll see."

Turns out Levi kept his mouth shut. This was because when he arrived home, Erwin had kissed him. Finally!

“What was that for?” he asked.

“Just wanted to kiss you…?” Erwin said as though it was a question. “What?”

“You just haven’t kissed me in like two months.”

“7 weeks actually, but I just...I didn’t wanna scare you.”

“Well, ya did. Why did you think that would work?”

Erwin stayed quiet for a moments and Levi opened his mouth again.

“Well?”

Erwin said something too quiet for Levi to hear, bowing his head.

“What?

“I wanted you to want me,” he repeated louder. 

“Erwin, I-of course, I want you.”

Erwin sighed theatrically and walked to the bedroom as Levi trailed behind. Erwin sighed and mopped his face.

Levi sighed and stood on his toes to kiss him. He let Erwin wrap his arms around him, but kept his own arms at his sides. 

“I-I love you, Levi.”

Levi put his head down, “I love you too…”

For once, finally, Levi felt somewhat comfortable; comfortable enough to let Erwin take the lead at least. He tried to forget all of his anxieties for the moment being and just tried to enjoy himself.

Tried to.

As much as Levi was trying and as much as he would like to think he was doing a good job pretending his heart wasn’t racing out of his chest. He wanted it, he wanted Erwin so bad.

When Erwin pulled away to say, “Levi, if you’re not ready, we don’t have to”, Levi took the lead.

Erwin made to pull away again, but Levi didn’t let him.

“Levi, get off...Off,” he said again.

“No, let’s just-“ 

Levi was cut off by his own choke and Erwin’s hand around his neck. He finally backed off Erwin and his hands flew to his neck.

“Sorry,” he wheezed, “I don’t know what came over me.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Erwin said. He gently moved Levi off him and sat up. “I just-You’re not ready, are you?”

“I am,” he lied.

Erwin looked at him for a moments, incredibly skeptical. He obviously didn’t believe Levi. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He looked over at Levi and then bowed his head.

“Levi, please be honest with me.”

“I am being honest with you,” Levi said. “Why won’t you believe me?”

“I’m supposed to believe you just suddenly changed?”

“Why? You did.”

Erwin rolled his eyes and Levi tensed. He didn’t think Erwin took notice, because his face didn’t soften when he spoke.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It’s not supposed to be mean anything,” Levi said, widening his eyes slightly. “I’m just saying...I’m just saying I’m ready now.”

Erwin leaned close to Levi, using his arm to brace himself up, “Really?”

Levi nodded.

Erwin looked at Levi and believed him. He asked again, but more softly this time, “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

Erwin started by kissing Levi, which even now he felt anxious about. Feeling guilty about his anxiety, Levi kept it to himself. He knew he could back out at any point and Erwin would back off, but he didn’t want to make Erwin do so. Levi knew full well he should’ve just backed off himself and say something, or at least show Erwin he was uncomfortable.

It wasn’t until Levi’s breath became incredibly labored that Erwin had taken notice. He slightly pushed Levi away.

“Levi?”

But before Levi could speak, or react, he threw up in a fit of nerves. His face contorted in disgust, then fear. He quickly brought his hands to his mouth. He hopped off Erwin and to his feet.

“Sorry, I-Sorry!”

Erwin’s face was pinched together, making sure he didn’t get any of Levi’s puke into his mouth or eyes. He used his hands to wipe his face before telling Levi to fetch a towel.

When Levi came back into the room, Erwin was sitting with his head in his hands. Incredibly grossed and even more guilty than he felt before, Levi let a flood of apologies flow from his mouth. 

“Levi, please.” Erwin took the towel from him and mopped his face. “Why weren’t you just honest with me?”

Levi couldn’t help but feel incredibly childish. He sat down, staring at the ground with uncharacteristically wide eyes. 

“I was comfortable when we started and then you...just forget it, Erwin. Just drop it.”

Levi made to stand, but Erwin pulled him back down.

“You have to be honest with me, Levi. I don’t want to do anything you’re...scared of.”

“I’m obviously not scared of sex, I’m-”

“Scared of me?”

“No.”

Levi felt like he was lying, but at the same time he couldn’t truthfully say he was fearful of Erwin. Not anymore, at least. Levi certainly come a long way from tensing up from just being next to Erwin to only tensing up when Erwin was pissed off or upset.

The two were quiet. They sat next to each other in silence, a thick uncomfortable one. Levi wished he could wake up from this nightmare of a day and just start over.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” Erwin said abruptly, standing up. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Erwin sighed and crouched so he was looking up at Levi.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no,” Levi waved his hand. “Don’t-”

“No. I’m sorry, Levi.”

Levi’s stomach dropped at the thought of why Erwin was apologizing so intensely. He watched as Erwin collected clean clothes and slipped into the bathroom. He listened for the shower to start running, but it never did. Expecting the worst, he got up to see what was up.

He opened the door to see Erwin staring at himself in the mirror. His face was full of disgust and anger and it made Levi’s stomach flip.

“Erwin…”

Levi’s eyes trailed down to Erwin’s clenched fists and sighed. He stood in front of Erwin, unfortunately not blocking Erwin’s view of himself whatsoever. He looked up at Erwin.

“Just take your shower, I’ll make dinner, and we’ll just relax.”

Erwin almost looked ready to pounce on his own reflection. Levi stared up at Erwin until he relaxed, his shoulders lowered and his head dropped.

“Okay?” Levi put a hand against Erwin. “Take your shower.”

Levi left the bathroom and worked on dinner, listening to see when the shower would turned off. Erwin appeared from the room with his hair wet and a towel around his shoulders.

“I made your favorite.” Levi set two plates on the table, “I think.”

Erwin pulled the towel from his shoulders and draped it on the back of a chair. Levi smiled to himself since Erwin was wearing the shirt that he loved and that he looked so nice in. He cringed at the wet towel on the wooden chair and sat down.

They are in silence, and it was almost comfortable. The fact that sex was definitely, without a doubt, out of the question aided to the awkwardness. Levi felt like it didn’t at least; he couldn’t be sure how Erwin felt. His face was practically unreadable.

“Good?” Levi asked.

“It’s...yeah, it’s good.”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“There’s nothing wrong...with the food at least.” Levi scoffed, confused, and Erwin continued, “Doesn’t this feel fake?”

“What?”

“This. Us! Doesn’t it feel like we’re pretending?”

Levi rose a brow, even more confused than he was before. “Pretending what?”

“That everything’s fine. I ruined everything...why are you still with me? How could you still love me?”

Levi could tell by Erwin’s face that he had fully expected Levi to be lying about his love. He knew Erwin was genuinely asking how Levi could love him and wasn’t trying to back him against a wall. Nonetheless, Levi felt the wall against his back.

“I can’t just stop loving you. Marriages are hard-“

“Not this hard.”

“Let me finish,” Levi said and Erwin did. “I knew when I married you it wouldn’t be easy, and I’ll admit I didn’t know it’d be this hard, but...if there’s anyone who could go through this it’s us.”

Erwin stared at Levi, his eyes and lips slightly agape. He put his hand on the table, leaning over.

“Leave me,” he whispered, “Go find someone else.”

Levi stared at Erwin with wide eyes, his head cocked in confusion. He couldn’t tell if Erwin was testing him in some weird way, or if he was genuinely begging him to leave.

“What?” 

Erwin stood up quickly, his chair pushed back, keeping his hands on the table. He leaned down to Levi as he spoke.

“I don’t deserve you...leave!”

“What?” Levi asked again. “What the hell are you saying?”

“I’m saying exactly what I mean! I’m done ruining things for you!”

“Don’t do this,” Levi said. “Shut up.” 

Levi stood up and began to clean up. He ignored Erwin’s insistent yelling and hoped he’d stop. When Levi not Erwin wouldn’t budge, Levi stopped what he was doing and stared at Erwin.

“You’re not just saying this? You really want me to leave?”

“Yes...No! I want you to live a better life, one I don’t think I can give you…but I don’t want to lose you.”

Levi sighed, exasperated, “Tell me what you want me to do.”

Erwin went on yelling again and Levi yelled back, both of them not saying anything in response to the other. They just screamed at each other, trying to get their points across, whatever they were.

“Shut up for a sec,” Levi mumbled, listening to what he thought was someone knocking on the door. He made his way to the door and told Erwin to shut up again over his shoulder.

Levi opened to the door to a woman, taller than he, and said, “What?”

“I just heard yelling, I thought that maybe…” She looked over his shoulder to see Erwin pacing with his hands on his hips. “I thought maybe one of you were being-“

“That’s none of your business...and there is nothing happening to even be your business.”

“I just thought-“

“You just thought,” Levi said. “Leave.”

Erwin appeared from behind Levi and the girl gave a hint of a smile. Her cheeks went pink and Levi rolled his eyes.

“We’re fine,” Erwin said, offering his charming smile. “Thank you.”

Levi huffed and pushed past Erwin back in the house. Levi did the dishes as Erwin entertained the girl in the hallway.  Once he was back in the house, Levi had cooled off a bit and Erwin had as well. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I didn’t mean for that to take so long.”

“It’s...fine.” Levi sighed and looked up at Erwin, “I’m sorry too.”

“Don’t. I don’t know why I freaked out like that, but in a way I mean it. If being with me is making you unhappy…”

“You’re making me unhappy,” Levi said and immediately regretted it. It was just a mess-up, but he knew it would stick to Erwin. “I didn’t mean that,” he mumbled before Erwin would get a word out.

“What?”

“All I meant is seeing you like...this is making me unhappy, not...not anything else.”

“Right,” Erwin said, obviously not believing him. “I just...want you to be as happy as possible.”

“And that’s with you.”

The two went quiet. They stared at each other, then at the ground, then wherever. It was almost as if there was nothing left to say, as if they’d exhausted all their points.

“Let’s get drinks,” Erwin said suddenly.

“What?”

“Come on.” Erwin grabbed his coat and shrugged it on, “It’ll be nice.”

Levi wanted to question the sudden change in attitude, but he didn’t. He let Erwin put on his coat for him and lead him outside the house. Levi awkwardly got into his car and Erwin hopped in the passenger’s seat. He sighed before starting his car, knowing he wouldn’t be able to drink and that he’d have to take care of a drunk Erwin.

He found himself perfectly fine with it though, as long as Erwin wasn’t a screaming mess like he was just before.

When the two got to the bar and sat down, Erwin ordered for himself and turned to Levi, who just stuck with diet coke. Erwin wasn’t exactly lively, but he wasn’t mopey either. He spoke lots and lots, but didn’t really say much and Levi didn’t mind. He quickly thought of towel Erwin had left at home and cringed, but Erwin’s voice help to drown out his thoughts.

Levi stared at Erwin and remembered when they were young. When even when they were in a crowded bar like tonight, things felt intimate. But, unlike those times, things didn’t feel that way.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw: the joke Levi makes is a reference to a Billy Joel song, in case anybody didn't know lmao.


	7. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! I wrote this relatively quick (at least quicker than the rest) just because I've been excited for things to really pick up.
> 
> A warning though: Things get extremely...intense, specifically Erwin, so if you're not into that (or any type of serious problems in a relationship) DON'T READ. Also, treat it more of a story, rather than Erwin and Levi (ie. don't say "but Erwin wouldn't do that" I KNOW.) Another thing to keep note of is that while it is in 3rd person, it is written in Levi's POV, so anything he doesn't know, the reader doesn't either.
> 
> So! Please be aware of that while reading. As always, enjoy nonetheless!

The routine of one of the two sleeping on the couch had begun again. Except, this time it was Erwin. Levi didn’t exactly know why, but he had a good feeling. Levi had come close to asking Erwin why, but he never was able to. He’d lead up to it and always ended up shying away just to say something irrelevant.

After Erwin had said things felt fake Levi couldn’t help but take notice of it. Any sense of comfort felt forced and it was punctuated by Erwin sleeping on the couch each night. 

As Levi lied in bed each night alone, he felt incredibly guilty. Sleeping alone while your husband slept on the couch was awfully depressing. It didn’t help to know that Erwin was probably feeling just as bad. He just assumed that Erwin had taken a “preventive” measure and slept on the couch before anything happened between them.

The two had been getting into a lot of fights the past few weeks, even before Erwin began to sleep on the couch. It was over anything and everything. Simple disagreements became about so much more. Sometimes they’d apologize and sometimes they’d go on acting like it never happened.

One night, Levi had come out of the bedroom and stumbled to the couch; Erwin was watching TV with a volume low. Levi, without saying anything, sat on the arm of the couch. 

“What are you doing?” Erwin asked after what seemed like forever.

“What?” Levi looked down at Erwin. “Just watching TV with you.”

“No,” Erwin lifted his head and Levi realized his hand was in Erwin’s hair. “What are you doing?”

“Oh…” He trailed off. “Sorry.”

Erwin tugged in Levi’s leg and he moved from the arm to next to Erwin. Erwin smiled softly, “No, no it’s okay. I was just...Ah, I’m sorry, Levi.”

“What? Why?”

“I just...I’ve been acting kinda stupid lately.”

“Just do what you need to do.”

“The only reason I’ve been sleeping in the couch is uh, well-“

“Well what?”

“I’ve been uncomfortable sleeping with you, you keep tossing and turning and moaning the whole night.”

Levi didn’t know that the dreams—nightmares—he’d been having lately were visible to Erwin. He’d wake up on the verge of a scream, but he didn’t think that Erwin could see that. It was only after a particularly bad fight that Erwin had started sleeping on the couch, so Levi didn’t think of putting two and two together. It didn’t occur to Levi that Erwin would be scared of sleeping with him for the same reason that Levi was scared of sleeping with him.

Levi pushed his lips onto Erwin’s cheek. “That’s what it was like with you…”

“Really?”

Levi nodded and moved into Erwin’s lap. He wrapped his legs around Erwin’s waist and rested his head on Erwin’s shoulders.

“I’m tired,” he mumbled.

Erwin chuckled, “Then go to bed.”

“No, just of everything.” Levi sighed and pulled his head up, he pressed his lips to Erwin’s and put his head back down.

“I know, I know.” Erwin rubbed Levi’s back. “I’m sorry…we’ll be back to normalcy soon."

“I don’t think that’s a word, Erwin.”

“Sure, it’s a word! Harding used it in his campaign slogan!”  Levi snorted, buried in Erwin’s shoulder.  “Anyway,” Erwin started, “I’ve been thinking a lot about us recently.”

When Erwin didn’t continue, Levi prompted with, “And…?”

“And I think you were right. If anybody could go through this and make it out okay, it’s us.” Levi felt himself dozing off and let Erwin continue. “I mean...there’s just minor things to get over now cause we’re alright...right?”

Levi didn’t respond and Erwin shook his shoulder to get him to wake. 

“Huh? Yeah…”

“Did you even hear what I said?”

“Yeah, yeah. Minor things and we’re alright...right?”

Erwin stood up, Levi still hanging on him. He smiled to himself and brought Levi to their bedroom. He put Levi under the covers and laid down next to him.

Before Erwin could drift off to sleep, Levi had began to start mumbling something. He tried his best to catch what Levi said, but Erwin couldn’t make it out. Levi’s head turned back and forth as his brows furrowed.

“Levi,” Erwin said. “Are you okay?”

Of course Levi didn’t respond. Erwin felt stupid and shook him awake.

Levi woke up scared shitless. He instinctively grabbed onto Erwin. 

“What?” Levi shouted, looking around the room. “What is it?”

“You looked like you were having a bad dream."

“Oh.” Levi fell back into the bed. “I’m fine…”

Levi and Erwin laid in silence, keeping their hands to themselves. It wasn’t awkward, just...weird. Levi felt an urge to lean over and kiss Erwin but he didn’t, just in case Erwin wasn’t up for it

Erwin sat up and glanced over at the clock. He swung a leg over Levi, who was oddly calm about it, and leaned down to kiss him.

Although Levi was obviously accepting Erwin’s advancements, Erwin still pulled away to ask if he was okay. 

“Of course,” Levi went to kiss Erwin but he backed away. “What?”

“You’re not gonna throw up again, are you?”

“If I do, it’ll just get on me. No way it’ll ever get on you like this.”

“I’m serious, Levi. You’re okay, right?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” Levi pulled Erwin down to him. “Quit asking me.”

Although this type of bluntness was expected of Levi, Erwin was a bit taken back and it was noticeable to Levi.

“I don’t know if I trust you,” Erwin murmured, pulling away. “Let’s just wait.”

“Since when can’t you trust me?” Levi asked too defensively.

“Since you threw up on me.”

Levi’s face went a shade of red and he averted his gaze. “That was an accident.”

“Because you were nervous as all hell.” Erwin sighed, “I just want to make sure you’re really ready.”

“And I’m telling you I am.”

Erwin hummed, sounding like he didn’t believe Levi. He shrugged however, and leaned back into kissing Levi.

They ended up not doing anything, much to Erwin’s disappointment. Levi was ready, he thought, but his body wasn’t.

Levi woke with a small gasp to see Erwin changing.

“Did we-?”

“No.” Erwin snorted, “You fell asleep.”

“Oh,” Levi pulled himself out of bed. “That’s embarrassing.”

Erwin laughed to himself as he dressed and Levi went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. 

“I’ll make you breakfast in a second,” Levi called to Erwin. “Just wait!”

Erwin came into the bathroom and brushed his teeth himself.

“What time is it?” Levi asked, “why aren’t you ready?”

“Ready for what? What are we doing?”

“Don’t you have work?”

“It’s Sunday, why would I have work?”

Levi took a sip of water and spit it into the sink. “Today’s Saturday, Erwin.”

Erwin laughed, “Okay…”

Levi pushed passed Erwin and went for his phone. He poked his head back into the bathroom to see Erwin’s face covered in shaving cream, “So...what do you wanna do today?”

“I don’t know,” Erwin said, picking up a razor to shave. Levi tensed and Erwin leaned close to the mirror. “We could just stay at home.”

Since Levi was too busy staring at Erwin’s reflection, he gave no response. Erwin stopped what he was doing and looked at Levi.

“What is it?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Well you’re just staring at me,” Erwin said, “It’s gotta be something.”

“Seeing you hold that just freaks me out .”

“I can’t hurt you with a razor, Levi. Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Well, I know you can’t hurt  _ me…” _

Erwin rolled his eyes and continued shaving, not paying Levi any more attention. Levi apologized and then apologized again when Erwin didn’t respond or react in anyway.

“Whatever,” Levi mumbled. “God forbid I get worried…”

“I just feel like you don’t trust me,” Erwin said. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

Levi knew that, obviously. As stupid as he felt for tensing up when Erwin was just shaving, he couldn’t help it. It made him incredibly anxious to see Erwin holding a razor, whether or not he even gave Levi a reason to be worried.

“I do trust you, Erwin,” Levi said. “You know I’m-“

“An anxious mess?”

Levi put his head down, “Yeah…”

Levi watched as Erwin finished and reveled in how handsome he was. He put a hand on the small of Erwin’s back and looked at himself and Erwin in the mirror. He couldn’t help but feel that they both looked tired and unhappy in a way. He frowned at the picture.

Erwin put toothpaste into his toothbrush, “Everyone looks bad in the mornings.”

“Not you.”

Erwin smiled and laughed, “Oh, please.”

Levi looked up at Erwin and felt his heart pound in his chest. “I’ll go make breakfast…”

He exited the room and went into the kitchen. He put on a pot of coffee and started on breakfast.

Was Levi really to have sex or was he just caught in some moment last night? He thought that if he was questioning it then maybe he wasn’t actually ready. Levi’s shoulders slumped at the thought of upsetting Erwin. If he was lucky Erwin wouldn’t want sex—As if!—, or Levi would be ready the next time Erwin initiated anything. 

Levi’s thoughts were interrupted when Erwin strolled into the room, whistling. He wrapped his arms around from behind and rested his chin on the top of Levi’s head.

“I love you, Levi.”

“Love you too…”

Erwin pulled away from Levi once the coffee maker beeped. He poured himself and Levi a cup and peered into the fridge.

“Creamer’s gone,” Levi said as saw Erwin’s mouth to say presumably the same thing. “I forgot to grab it.”

“Haha…” Erwin crouched down, moving stuff around in the refrigerator. “Where is it?”

Levi leaned over and looked at Erwin, “I just told you-“

“Oh, I-“ Erwin laughed, “I thought you were making a joke.”

“I don’t make jokes,” Levi said. “Why would I joke about that?” 

Erwin shrugged, “I don’t know...you did that one time a while ago.”

“That was just to-“ Levi cut himself off. “It was just a stupid joke.”

“Thought you didn’t make jokes,” he teased.

“I don’t.”

Levi finished breakfast and set a plate for himself and Erwin. He grabbed his mug of coffee and sat across from Erwin.

He watched as Erwin began eating, his head down and not paying Levi on any attention. Levi sipped at his coffee and moved the food around on his plate, deciding on whether or not he should speak.

Erwin’s change was...rapid, in a way. It took a while, but it seemed to be over night. Levi had a million and one questions that he was too afraid to ask. He wanted desperately to know if and want Erwin was diagnosed with. It itched at him over and over again, but he didn’t want to upset Erwin by asking, but then again he wanted to know, needed to know, but he didn’t want to—

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What? I’m fine.”

“No...what’s wrong with you?”

Erwin’s face twisted in confusion and then he leaned back, thinking. Levi waited for an answer, his arms folded and his face scrunched up. Erwin sighed and mirrored Levi, except he looked incredibly offended.

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Something had to be wrong with you before,” Levi said. “And something tells me there’s still something wrong with you now.”

Erwin scoffed at the idea and rolled his eyes.

“I’m supposed to believe you suddenly changed?” Levi leaned closer to Erwin. “I’m supposed to believe you just stopped getting the urge to kill yourself? Or kill me?”

“What? Levi-” Erwin cut himself off with a sigh and theatrical roll of the eyes, “Levi, you can’t honestly be worried about that.”

“You said you wanted to!” Levi jumped from his seat. “You told me you thought about it!”

“In the moment I did, but I don’t want to...you don’t think I want to do that to you? Please tell me you don’t seriously think I want to hurt you.”

Levi sighed, walking to the sink and dumping his mug of coffee. He folded his arms and glanced over his shoulder.

“Why shouldn’t I?” Levi asked. “You couldn’t stop yourself from hitting me before, or-or-”

“Or nothing! I hit you twice...that...that’s it.”

Levi stayed quiet. He turned to face Erwin again. “Do you still think about it?”

“What?”

“Do you still think about hitting me?”

“Only when you give me a reason to,” Erwin said. He almost immediately put his hand over his mouth. “I didn’t mean that.”

“Go on then. Hit me!” Levi stomped closer to Erwin, yelling in the whiny voice he knew pissed Erwin off. “Hit me like I know you want to!”

“Levi, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Hit me! Hit me!”

Levi stared at Erwin, his hands in fists at his side. He expected fully for Erwin to hit him, not because he said to, more just to get him to shut up. So, when Erwin raised his hand at Levi, he didn’t budge.

He did budge; however, when Erwin had simply walked away. Levi called after him as he followed Erwin.

“Get back here, Erwin!”

“No,” Erwin said, but he stopped and turned to Levi anyway. “You’re crazy.”

“I’m crazy? You’re the one who can barely even control yourself! If it weren’t for me, you’d probably be dead, or-or you would’ve killed someone!”

“You don’t have any idea what the hell you’re talking about! I should’ve never said anything to you!”

“If you didn’t act like a fucking freak, you wouldn’t have to explain yourself!”

“You’re a freak! I never make you explain yourself!”

Levi scrunched up his face, “Excuse me?”

“You’ve been acting...weird this whole time,” Erwin said matter-of-factly and it pissed Levi off even more. “Not to mention before.”

“And what’s not to mention?”

Erwin shoved passed Levi, “Don’t make me explain it, Levi.”

“You’re not getting out of this so easily.”

Erwin stopped walking. He bowed his head and Levi thought he was going to apologize, apologize for everything like he did before, instead of trying to defend himself. He wanted Erwin to stop fighting with him and just admit what the hell was wrong with him. 

Levi allowed his face to soften briefly before Erwin spun on his heels to face him. To Levi’s surprise, he looked just as angry.

“You ever notice how you freak out about everything?” Before Levi could even think of a remark, Erwin pressed further. “Every little thing you have a panic attack over.”

“That’s-“

“You’re one to talk about not being able to control myself, you can’t even leave the house before everything is spotless.”

“That’s not even the same thing, don’t be stupid.”

“You can never just act normal about anything. Like…like just last week! I spilt my coffee on the couch and you never shut the hell up about it.”

“What? That-“

“Couch was expensive, I know! Still, you freak out about little stain or speck of dirt, or anything! We can never have a peaceful meal, or anything, before you ruin it by being upset about something.”

“I ruined it?” Levi asked quietly, then again louder, “I ruined it? You think I did this?”

Erwin just huffed and folded his arms.

“I didn’t do a damn thing! It’s your fault! It’s been your fault! You did it! You!”

“Levi-“

“I’ve stuck by your side this whole time and you wanna say something like that to me...I can’t stand you!”

At this point, Levi thought Erwin’s would back down but he didn’t. He stood his ground with Levi, staring him down.

“That can’t be true...why have you stuck by me this whole time? Why haven’t you just left yet?”

“Because I…”

“Because you’re so in love with me! That’s why! You’re so stupid, Levi. I’ve-“ Erwin lowered his head, “I’ve ruined our marriage and somehow you’re still in love with me...what’s wrong with you?”

Levi frowned and his heart felt heavy in his chest. He wanted so badly to just wrap his arms around Erwin and rub his back. He wanted to peck a bunch of kisses on Erwin and tell him that he loved him and that he’d always be with him.

“Don’t get me to pity you,” Levi spat. “You did this.”

Erwin stayed quiet for a few moments, his head still bowed down. Levi almost thought he was gonna break down crying because his breaths were shallow and came out in spurts.

“Erwin, you-“

“You know I don’t want to be like this. You know how guilty I feel.” Erwin looked up, his face surprisingly dry. “Don’t act like like I’m doing this on purpose.”

“What am I supposed to act like? I can’t stop picturing you dead, or-or me dead!” Levi shrieked. “I can’t even go to sleep because I’m afraid that I won’t wake up or I’ll wake up and you won’t be there.”

Erwin’s eyes went wide, his pressed his lips shut. As much as he wanted to run into the bathroom and ride out the panic attack he felt coming on, Levi stayed staring up at Erwin, but when Erwin didn’t say anything in response, he averted his gaze, embarrassed at what he admitted.

“You don’t really…” Erwin stared finally and trailed off. “That’s not why you’ve been having nightmares, is it?”

Not wanting to lie to him, Levi stayed silent.

Erwin sighed, “Levi...don’t you trust me?”

With the very childish fear that his nose would grow, Levi said, “Of course I do.”

“Prove it to me.”

“What?” Levi backed away. “Now you’re talking crazy.”

“You probably can’t even prove it to me,” Erwin hissed, leaning down to talk to Levi. Levi backed away again as Erwin inched closer. “Prove it.”

“No, I’m telling you. That’s proof enough.”

“Not to me, prove it.”

“How-“ 

Erwin grabbed the nape of Levi’s neck, pulling him towards a window.

“Erwin, let go.”

And Erwin did. He opened the window and motioned to it with his chin.

“You want me to jump from the window?” Levi took a chance and rolled his eyes. “Gimme a break, Erwin.”

“No,” Erwin shoved him. “Go on prove it.”

“And how do you want me to do that exactly?”

Shoving Levi again, Erwin pushed in his chest so his head popped out the window.

“Erwin-“

Erwin grabbed Levi’s ankles and he gripped the window frame. Levi didn’t want to kick around, afraid his lose his grip and fall. 

He was also afraid that Erwin would let go of him.

“Are you fucking crazy? Stop!”

“Let go, then. Prove that you trust me!”

Levi gaped at Erwin, his knuckles white from how harshly he was gripping. Levi made no move to let go, had no intention to let go, until he saw Erwin’s face briefly became pained. For just a fleeting moment, Erwin begged Levi to just let go and prove his trust. 

“Prove it,” Erwin rasped.

With a sudden gasp, Levi let go of the frame. Erwin gasped as well and seemed to snap back into himself.

“Levi!” He reached for one of Levi’s hands and pulled him through, Levi’s head banging on the frame as he did so. 

The two were in complete shock. Levi didn’t even so much as put a hand to his head, and Erwin stood there staring at Levi with his eyes bulging from his face.

“I-I have no idea what came over me...I’m sorry, Levi, I’m-“

“Erwin, please...just be quiet.”

So, Erwin stayed quiet, watching as Levi put a hand to his chest and tried to steady his breath. Feeling ashamed and stupid for feeling ashamed, Levi made his way to the bedroom. He heard Erwin follow and closed the door on him.

“Levi, please,” Erwin knocked softly on the door. “Let me in.”

Levi put his back on the door and sighed. He let his head fall back.

“Levi…”

“I can’t.”

“Don’t do this,” Erwin said softly. “Please just let me in.”

“I-I...I can’t.”

“You can. Just breathe, Levi.”

Levi sighed again. He reached for the doorknob, turned it, and Erwin came into the room. Levi fell forward onto Erwin, leaning on him heavily. He pressed his face into Erwin’s chest and he felt his knees buckle.

“You’re okay, just calm down.”

“I can’t, I...can’t…”

Erwin looked down at Levi and sighed. Despite having seen it already a couple of times, Erwin always felt a little freaked out whenever Levi had a panic attack, his heavy breathing and strained face made Erwin immensely uncomfortable.

And as much as Levi shouldn’t be, because Erwin was his husband and it’s happened before, he was embarrassed. It wasn’t like Erwin hadn’t seen him like this before; however, it hasn’t been plenty of times. He wanted it desperately to end because he was humiliated by this, and that just made it worse.

The only time it was this bad was on their wedding night and Erwin was scared that Levi would break off the wedding.

“You alright now?” Erwin asked.

Levi shook his head, moaning softly. He let his head fall back and loll. Erwin was taken back by how uncharacteristic Levi was acting; he had expected Levi to at least stand on his own feet and shove Erwin off.

“I can’t, I can’t…” 

“Can’t what?”

“I can’t do this.”

Erwin tried to move him to the bed and Levi’s feet dragging on the floor made him trip. 

“Sorry,” Levi said, his face flushed, “Just...please leave me alone…”

“I can’t do that,” Erwin said, pulling Levi to his feet. “I’m not just gonna leave you alone.”

He picked up Levi and put him on the bed. Levi stiffened and looked to Erwin.

“I don’t wanna…please. I can’t possibly-“

“Levi, calm down.” Erwin sighed, “What are you talking about.”

“I can’t-“ Levi jerked his leg away from Erwin. “Don’t touch me, please. Please, I don’t wanna..I can’t.”

“Levi, calm the fuck down,” Erwin grunted on accident. Levi tensed and slid away from Erwin. “I-I didn’t mean it like that-“

“Just do what you want.” Levi squeezed his eyes shut, “Please just let me alone after.”

“After what?” Erwin asked, towering over Levi and making sure to keep his hands off him. “What do you think I’m gonna do to you?”

“I don’t know,” Levi lied. “Please leave me alone.”

“No, I won’t do that.”

Levi huffed and turned on his side. Erwin watched as Levi tried to calm himself down, feeling guilty about not be able to do anything to fix it.

As anxious as Erwin knew Levi was and as often as Levi was worrying about something, Erwin never really knew the way to fix it. Levi usually had his panic attacks behind closed doors, but Erwin could always tell when he was seriously worried or anxious. He’d try — emphasis on try — to help Levi and get him to calm down. Levi usually managed to do it by himself just with Erwin there to rest his head on.

This, though. This was something else, and Erwin definitely didn’t know how to fix it.

With Levi tensing and stiffening up under Erwin’s touch, he really didn’t know what else to do. Although Erwin had thought so at first, Levi wasn’t one for tough love. Or rather, Levi wasn’t one to respond well to tough love even though he loved giving it.

Levi had shut his eyes, trying to fall asleep. He could feel himself in a ridiculous paranoia...but was it? After being shoved out of a window because Erwin wanted him to prove something, Levi didn’t know what else to expect.

Suddenly, he turned over.

“Erwin?”

Erwin was laying down with his eyes closed when Levi turned to look at him. He opened them and sat up.

“What? What is it?”

“I’m uh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...act like that,” Levi said, his heartbeat still pounding in his ears. “I was just-“

“Don’t apologize. I should be the one apologizing because that was an insane thing for me to do. I just wanted to...never mind, just-I’m sorry.”

Levi’s face, as usual, was unreadable. He sat up and went into the bathroom. He washed his face and poked his head out.

“I’m just gonna...I’m just gonna take a shower.”

Erwin didn’t reply and Levi went back into the bathroom. He sighed and pulled himself up off the bed.

He decided to make lunch. When he took a look at the clock, he was surprised to see that a couple of hours had passed since they woke up.

“Levi!” Erwin called for the fourth time. “Levi!”

“What?” Erwin heard something fall in the shower. “Fuck...what?” 

Erwin stood in front of the bathroom door, “I just wanted to know what you-“

He trailed off when Levi poked his head through a crevice in the door. He instantly went pale and dragged his gaze away from Erwin’s eyes.

“What? What is it?”

Levi gave motion to Erwin’s hand with his chin. “What’s that for?”

Erwin looked down at his hand, in which was a butter knife. He forced a laugh. “I can’t kill you with a butter knife.”

Levi made a face, grimacing up at Erwin.

“You do trust me, don’t you?”

Levi visibly froze. He didn’t want to lie to Erwin. Then again, he didn’t want to tell the truth either.

“Do you?” He asked instead.

Erwin opened his as if to speak, but shut it with a defeated look on his face. He sighed and lowered his head.

“No,” he said quietly. “Just...never mind."

“What were you gonna ask me?”

“Nothing, nothing…”

Levi sighed and shut the bathroom door. Erwin mimicked his sigh and left the room.

When Levi had finished his shower, Erwin was already finished with his lunch. He left a plate for Levi and sat with a newspaper four inches from his face.

“You’re getting old,” Levi mumbled. “Get glasses.”

Erwin lowered the paper, chuckling, “I can see fine.” 

Levi sat down as Erwin brought he paper back up to his face.

“Would’ve tasted better with some mayo,” Levi said when he was finished.

“That’s what I came in to ask you.” Erwin put his newspaper down again. “I knew you’d say that.”

“Hmph.”

“Good, though?”

“Good,” Levi said, picking up his and Erwin’s empty plates. “Dry as all hell, but good.”

After Levi washed the plates, he sat back down. He opened his mouth to say something and heard Erwin’s voice instead.

“We need to talk, don’t we?”

“I’m sorry,” Levi mumbled, putting his head down. 

“Wait, why are you apologizing?”

“I didn’t mean to freak out like that on you,” he said. 

Erwin could tell just how embarrassed Levi was because his cheeks were bright red and he was barely making eye-contact. He didn’t know whether to dismiss the situation to have Levi stop talking about it or engage in the conversation.

“Don’t apologize for that,” Erwin said. “It was only because I-”

“But-”

“But nothing, Levi. You shouldn’t be apologizing for something like that. I should.” Erwin sighed, ashamed. “I can’t believe I did something like that but I’m-“

“How am I supposed to know it’s not gonna happen again?”

“I’m-“

“I-I love you, Erwin...I love you so much.”

Erwin frowned dramatically, “Don’t do this, Levi.”

“I’m scared of how much I love you,” Levi almost whispered. “I have to know it won’t happen again.”

“Or what?”

“Or…” Levi trailed off.

Or what? Or...nothing. Levi couldn’t just leave Erwin, not after everything. It would be insane to just pack up and leave. Although, it’s insane to stay. Who else would put themselves through this? And for what?

“Or nothing,” Levi said.

Levi and Erwin sat quietly, silently. Levi heard a low ring in the silence and already felt another panic attack coming on. He averted his gaze from Erwin but felt Erwin’s eyes burning into him.

He couldn’t leave...right? He just couldn’t leave Erwin. Levi could never do that to him, or to himself even.

“What should we do?”

“I just…” Levi heaved a sigh. “I need to trust you.”

“What? I-"

“Are you gonna do it...or anything again?”

Erwin faltered and Levi felt his trust do the same. Erwin stared back at Levi dumbly, his mouth open and his eyes darted around Levi’s face.

“No,” he replied lowly.

“Okay,” Levi said, swallowing. “I trust you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw: Harding was a US president lmao and he made up a word for a campaign slogan for the election after WWI. 
> 
> Sorry for mistakes as usual!


	8. Relinquish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! So, this one's a tiny bit longer than most. Of course, in advance apologies for mistakes and such. This one may feel like some type of filler, but I felt as though it was important to show Levi and Erwin with someone other than themselves for most of the chapter.

Levi didn’t live with much regrets in his life. He tried to always pick a the choice with the least regrets, and even then he even tried to not have any regrets. By having regrets, Levi felt it hindered future decisions.

He wasn’t sure if he regretted telling Erwin that he trusted him.

Levi didn’t trust Erwin; it would be stupid to. He trusted that Erwin would try his best to control himself, but he didn’t trust that anything wouldn’t happen. Despite this, Levi had left Erwin to his own devices. He didn’t push him to talk, and the days where Erwin didn’t want to go to therapy — which were few and far between — Levi didn’t make him go.

After Levi was shoved out of a window, there was obviously a strain. They never really lied together anymore, except for in their bed at night, or enjoyed a nice dinner together. Levi usually ate and then made something for Erwin, or he’d leave Erwin alone all together. 

Levi was scared of Erwin to say the least. Luckily, lately Erwin hasn’t been giving Levi much reason to break his already pretty much non-existent trust. He trusted that Erwin went to work and to therapy when he said he did and he trusted that Erwin wasn’t drinking like he said he wasn’t. He got tired of constantly worrying and constantly being anxious about Erwin. It didn't mean that Levi worry or remain anxious, but he gave up on always acting on it.

The nightmares Levi had been experiencing had dwindled down to the point where he almost didn’t have any. Although, the reason for that was that Levi wasn’t sleeping much at all. He lied awake, staring at the ceiling, or at Erwin. Some nights, he was restless and others — usually after a rough day — Levi was laying awake, scared.

“I invited everyone over for tonight,” Erwin said almost as soon as Levi had opened his eyes in the morning.

“What? When?”

“Last week,” Erwin mumbled, pressing his lips to Levi’s. “Forgot to mention it though, sorry.”

“Cancel it,” Levi said. He sat up, “I’m not in the mood to entertain anyone.”

“It’s no one you have to impress.” Erwin got out of bed, adding, “Besides, it’s too late now.”

Not wanting to make it a big deal, Levi sighed and left it at that. He followed Erwin into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He kept his head down, hoping to get in and get the hell out.

“Levi,” Erwin said and Levi rose his head. “You look awful.”

“And you...look great,” Levi uttered with a weird realization. 

“Why are you saying it like that?” 

“It’s just that...you look great and I feel so terrible...look so terrible.”

Erwin rose a brow, “You okay?”

“Fine.” Levi spit into the sink. “I’m fine.”

Levi exited the bathroom and went to the kitchen. With company coming, he definitely had to go food shopping, which he definitely didn’t want to do.

He thought about Erwin and how...normal he had seemed. He looked and was acting totally fine; amazing, even. So why was Levi the one left a mess? 

Erwin, despite being the one to put a strain on the marriage, seemed to be doing just peachy. It pissed Levi off, and badly too. He wanted to rush back into that bathroom and yell at Erwin, but for what? Living his life? It wasn’t Erwin’s fault that Levi was always anxious after all. He hadn’t done anything — lately — to make Levi nervous in any way.

“Okay,” Erwin came from the bedroom. “I’ll be going...I love you.”

“I love you too,” Levi said unceremoniously. 

Erwin left and Levi followed along not too long after. He watched from afar as Erwin hopped in his car and drove off. Has it really been more than a year? Levi thought to himself. If Erwin was driving it had to be. 

Levi’s perception of time had been pretty skewed now that he was thinking about it. It’s been well over a year (not quite two years yet though) since they had gotten into the car crash. Only now was Levi surprised he hadn’t heard a word about it. He didn’t know the exact day, but he could be sure Erwin definitely did.

Walking through the aisles of the supermarket in a sort of daze, Levi realized he was wasting time. He put his mind to shopping so he could get home and clean. He hadn’t made a list, which was the usual, so things took a bit longer.

They haven’t had company in...well, what felt like forever. He wasn’t even sure of the last time either of them had invited someone over for dinner or coffee, or anything. Levi couldn’t be sure that Erwin wasn’t seeing anyone, although he wouldn’t be surprised. Erwin seemed to thrive in groups and had always loved having guests. While the same exact thing couldn’t be said for Levi, he wasn’t the exact opposite of Erwin in that sense. Levi liked who he liked, and those he did like, he loved being around.

Levi made his way home and put the groceries away, he cleaned, and sent a text to Erwin telling him to pick the dessert he of course had forgotten to get.

When everything that could be done was done, Levi made himself tea and watched TV. He stared at the screen, thinking of Erwin and also of what tonight would hold; something nice, he hoped. In the back of his mind, he prepared for the worst and prayed for the best.

Almost dozing off a few times on the couch, Levi moved to the bedroom and lied down. He was exhausted and he hadn’t even really done anything. He didn’t let himself fall asleep though; he didn’t want to be shaken awake by Erwin perhaps just in time for company. 

Time seemed to go by slower and slower for Levi. He pulled himself, showered, shaved, and tweezed his eyebrows, but he’d die before he admitting to doing so.

Levi fondly thought back to when Erwin had “caught” him doing so. He shouted that he had always known that Levi did so despite all the times Levi denied it. 

It was only a short time after they had moved into together and Levi was sitting on the counter with his face close to the mirror. He almost smiled at the memory, but found himself frowning at the fact that things were different between them now. 

When Erwin came home, Levi was in the middle of cooking. He put his arms around Erwin, stuffing his face in his chest.

“Hello to you too,” Erwin laughing, prying Levi off. “I told them six o’clock, that okay?”

“That’s fine,” he mumbled, hovering again over the boiling pot.

“Not gonna boil any faster just ‘cause you’re staring it down.”

“Not going to boil any slower either.”

Erwin snorted and shrugged. He rummaged through the cabinets until Levi stopped him.

“You’re all over my space,” he said. “What are you looking for?”

“You got wine, right?”

“Why? You want some now? It’s in the freezer.”

“Just making sure you grabbed it,” Erwin said. “I got pie...s, apple and cherry...good?”

“Fine, I don’t like pie though.”

“Oh...that’s right. Sorry.”

Levi stayed quiet, still watching his pot. Erwin towered over him and put his hands on Levi’s shoulders.

“This’ll be good for you,” Erwin said quietly into Levi’s ear. “I think it’ll be good for the both of us, actually.”

“Yeah…” Levi trailed off. “But I can barely keep my eyes open.”

“You’ll be fine,” Erwin said. He rubbed Levi’s back, “Like I said, it’ll be good for you.”

Levi elected to stay quiet again. He knew that Erwin was probably right. However, he couldn’t but feel a bit overwhelmed when everyone had come.

“Erwin!” Nanaba threw an arm around Erwin, “You look great!”

Levi took her and Mike’s coats from them and tossed them onto his bed. He slipped out of the room to see Mike leaning down.

“Are you okay, Levi?” Levi stared up at Mike, surprised he had asked. He opened his mouth to say something and Mike spoke again. “You look-”

“Haggard,” Levi finished, thinking of his own reflection.

“I was just going to say tired...seriously though, you okay?”

“I’m fine, it’s-I’m fine.”

Mike thankfully left it at that and walked away. 

Levi had always been a little intimidated by Mike. He was incredibly tall for starters — a whole foot taller than Levi, at least — and he was always really quiet. He was so quiet that even Levi would come off as talkative. Plus, he never really showed his emotions whatsoever; at least Levi showed an emotion instead of just being plain-faced all the time.

Perhaps the biggest reason he was intimidated by Mike was the fact that he was so close to Erwin. Levi never was suspicious of Mike, just worried that maybe Erwin opened up to Mike more so than he did to Levi.

“Oh,” Levi said and they all turned to him. “The wine’s in the freezer. I’ll be right back.”

Levi walked passed everyone and slipped into the garage. Immediately, Levi was hit a strong, offensive smell. He gasped quietly and pulled the collar of his shirt over his mouth and nose. Quickly rummaging through the freezer for the wine, and then making his way out, slamming the door behind him.

The first (and only) thing to come to Levi’s mind was a corpse. He had made sure to always clean out the freezer they had in the garage at least once a month, which he had just done yesterday — or was it two days ago? 

He stood bracing the door, telling himself that there was no possible way Erwin had killed someone. Even if hell froze over and Erwin had done it, he would surely have told Levi...right?

Now officially freaked out, Levi made no move to search the garage for the source of smell. He appeared back into the dining room just as Hange came in, shrugging off her coat.

“Levi-” Her face dropped, “You okay, Levi? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I’m fine,” he rasped. He put the two bottles of wine on the table, “Is it okay if I put out the food?”

“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi ignored it as everyone sat down at the table. “Levi, loot at me.”

Levi looked up, “What?”

Erwin put a hand on the counter and leaned down to Erwin. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

He averted his gaze, looking at the table. He looked up again, “Nothing. I’m okay.”

Levi made to sit down at the table, but Erwin stopped him. He looked Levi at eye-level, “Promise me that.”

“I...do. I’m fine, really.”

With that, Levi set the table and Erwin sat down. Levi sat down when he was done. He watched as everyone filled their plates and Erwin poured everyone wine.

Levi cupped his hand over his glass. “I don’t want any...I’m fine,” he said again.

Erwin briefly made a face at Levi, smiling though, “Uh, okay…”

Levi stayed quiet, a little too frazzled to begin eating. He stared down at his plate and just listened to everyone’s chatter, not really paying close attention to what they were saying. 

It would be absolutely insane if Erwin killed someone, but what’s more insane is Levi even having the thought. Levi was surprised with himself for even coming up with something so crazy, so impossible, so...probable.

Levi didn’t think lowly of Erwin whatsoever. He thought very well of Erwin, but as of late, he knew Erwin to be rash. Erwin’s moves were usually calculated, and very much so. If somehow, someway Erwin had ever killed someone, Levi couldn’t decide if he’d rather it be something planned or something...that just happened. But how does that happen? How do you just kill someone?

That was a question could only hope that Erwin didn’t know the answer to. No. It was one he knew Erwin didn’t know the answer to. Right? There’s no way that Erwin would’ve possibly-

“You alright, Levi?” Erwin asked quietly, leaning down to Levi.

“Did you kill someone?” Levi said without thinking. He regretted it before it even left his mouth.

Levi kept his eyes focused on Erwin’s face to see exactly how he’d react. He could’ve sworn that he saw color drain from Erwin’s face. Erwin’s brows pulled together and he looked horribly offended.

“What?” He practically screamed.

“I went into the garage,” Levi attempted to start calmly. “And it reeked. What do you have in there?”

“Nothing! I have nothing!” Erwin stood up quickly, his floor scraping against the floor. “Excuse me.”

Erwin walked away for the table, towards the garage. He slammed the door behind him. Levi stared at the door, ignoring everyone’s eyes on him and waiting for Erwin to come.

Before Levi could get up and see what was taking Erwin so long, Erwin burst through the door.

“Ah! Erwin, I-“

“Raw chicken!” Erwin held up a grocery bag Levi could assume he had forgotten to bring in. “You left raw chicken in the garage!”

“Oh,” was all Levi could say. 

Erwin threw the bag into the trash and sat back down at the table.

“I’m sure Levi is just tired,” Hange said, putting a hand on Levi’s shoulder. She twirled a finger next to her head, “Little out of it, yanno?”

Levi had his head down, unspeakably ashamed and embarrassed. Not to mention he was scared to all hell of what Erwin would do when everyone left. He knew Erwin would scream and most likely storm out, which was the absolute last thing Levi wanted. He’d be hit by Erwin before he’d have Erwin storm out and drive while he was angry. But, he knew Erwin would never hurt him...out of anger, at least, he felt was all he could safely say.

A huge hand gripped Levi’s other shoulder. 

“Yeah,” Erwin said with an easy smile. “Are you alright, Levi?”

“I’m just...tired,” he sighed. “I have no clue why...why I would ever think something like that.”

“Please!” Nanaba laughed, “You never know with Erwin.”

Flashing a grin that made Levi’s heart pump faster, Erwin said, “I would never!”

“How about for like...a million dollars,” Hange said, “I would.”

Levi tuned out the debate of whether or not killing someone was worth a million dollars or not. He only noticed that Erwin didn’t really answer the question, he smiled and followed the conversation. 

Levi rose his head and asked, “What about you, Erwin?”

Erwin turned to Levi, his eyes widening briefly as he kept a smile on his face. “I don’t know. I don’t think a million dollars could clear a guilty conscience.”

“What about a billion dollars,” Mike mumbled, “Surely that’d clear a guilty conscience.”

“Well, I uh...a guilty conscience...uh…” 

Levi knew Erwin felt pushed up against a wall. He knew that even if everyone was just joking around, Erwin did live with a guilty conscience. Although Levi had questioned Erwin time and time again if he seriously still felt guilty about the car crash despite it being an accident. Erwin would just push Levi away — avoiding answering — which Levi assumed meant that yes, he still did feel guilty.

“Erwin’s too worried about his reputation to ever kill someone,” Levi said, hopefully directing the attention at himself and not Erwin. “He’d never do anything to do ruin it.”

“What about you, Levi?” Hange asked, “Would you kill someone for a million dollars?”

“Depends.” Levi paused, “I don’t know.”

“Bet you would if Erwin told you to,” Nanaba said matter-of-factly and it pissed Levi off. 

“Wouldn’t you? If Mike told you to?”

Nanaba glanced at Mike, who was already looking at her waiting for her answer. “No, I can’t say that I would…although if Mike was asking I think it’d be something to consider.”

Mike rose a brow, “Why?”

“I dunno...I’d like to hope that you’d really hate the person and believe they’re a bad person to want to kill them.”

“What if he just wanted to?” Erwin asked, staring at something behind Nanaba. “Just because he had the idea in his head?”

Nanaba laughed, “That’d mean he was crazy, surely.”

Levi glanced at Erwin. “This topic’s boring me, let’s move on.”

Much to Levi’s delight, it was only Erwin who gave him a weird look. What’s wrong? Levi mouthed to Erwin, but Erwin just waved it off. He went back to being, seemingly, engaged in the conversation. 

When he thought of it, Levi was too involved in thinking about himself to even think about Erwin. Was he doing okay? Maybe at least in the beginning?

Levi again felt a wash of shame come over him, leftover from before. He put his head down, again tuning out the new conversation. He only became interested when Erwin spoke.

“They redid the place completely,” Erwin said. “Looks amazing.”

“What place?” Levi asked.

“The place we had dinner at a little while ago, the one I first engaged to you at?”

“You mean where Levi rejected you the first time,” Nanaba said and Mike snorted. 

“He was just embarrassed is all...right, Levi?”

“Why’s it my fault?”

The air in the room grew thick. Erwin loudly cleared his throat.

“What?”

“Why is it my fault for turning you down? You were the one stupid enough to do it in public?”

“Plenty of-“

“Easy, Erwin,” Levi mumbled, regretting even ever opening his mouth, or even being here in the first place. “I’m kidding.”

Hange laughed, a little too loudly to be genuine. “I’d never turn Erwin down.”

“Speaking of being engaged,” Nanaba said, pulling the attention to herself. Levi could almost feel the weight fall of his shoulders. “What about you, Hange?”

Hange held up her left hand, “Not engaged...you would’ve heard me shouting it out the window.”

“I mean — you think Moblit’s ever going to?” 

“Probably not,” Levi answered for Hange, happy to turn his attention to something more light-hearted. “Too much of a wuss.”

Hange sighed and frowned theatrically, “It’s true…”

“Why don’t you just propose?” Nanaba asked.

Levi made a face and Hange replied, “Because he’ll never grow pair if I do it.”

About to make a remark, Levi quickly gave a glance to Erwin and Mike. Why were they so close? And why was Erwin talking so quietly? More importantly, why wasn’t he telling Levi this?

“I’m gonna put on a pot of coffee,” Levi said loudly, interrupting Mike and Erwin’s conversation. He stood up and slipped into the kitchen.

Levi couldn’t exactly say he was surprised when he heard Hange from behind him say: “You okay?”

“What? Oh...yeah, I’m fine.”

“You seem a little on edge,” she said. “I mean the whole thing with the garage, what the hell was that about?”

“I don’t know,” Levi lied. “I just didn’t know what else it could possibly be.”

“So the first thing that came to your mind was Erwin killing someone?” Hange made a face, “Either there’s something you’re not telling me or you’re some type of freak.”

“Probably the latter,” Levi mumbled in reply. “I’m just stressed out of my mind right now.”

“Things still aren’t good with Erwin, huh?”

“They’re not too hot.”

“So you try and frame him for murder? Am I missing something?”

“Other than few screws, no.” Levi rolled his eyes. “I panicked, alright? I have no clue why I ever said anything like that.”

Hange put her hands up in defense, “Okay, whatever. I’d be wondering why the hell that ever came to your mind.”

With this, Hange went back to the table. Levi watched as Erwin smiled at her, then looked to Levi; he made a motion telling Levi to come over so he did.

Erwin pulled Levi onto his lap and pressed his lips to Levi’s cheek. He went red in the face and put his head down.

“You alright?”

Levi looked up and looked Erwin’s eyes. He looked incredibly worried to say the least. All Levi wanted to was to lie down with Erwin and talk. He opened his mouth to reply, his eyes widening.

“I-“ Levi clenched his teeth together. Was Erwin above murder? Even if Erwin did have a strong impulse to commit it, he wouldn’t...right? There’s no way someone like Erwin could ever do something like that.

“Levi?” he said quietly, “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Levi mumbled. “Are you?”

Erwin smiled, “Of course...I love you, Levi.”

“Yeah…”

“What?”

“What?” Levi shook his head. “I’m sorry what’d you say?”

“I said I love you.”

“Oh,” was all Levi said.

Levi looked around at Hange, Mike, and Nanaba, who were all having a separate conversation. He dragged his gaze back to Erwin.

“You sure you’re alright? You seem out of it.”

“I’m…” Levi leaned into Erwin, whispering in his ear. “You’d never kill anyone, right?”

Levi could feel Erwin tense all over, and when Erwin gripped his thigh harshly, Levi did the same. Erwin gently pushed Levi away.

“Why are you asking me that?”

“I was just…thinking is all.”

“Well, no,” Erwin said harshly, then again more softly, “No.”

“Even if you got a really strong urge to?” 

“I don’t,” Erwin rasped.

“I’m asking if.”

“There is no if,” Erwin said. “Why would I ever want to do that?”

“Why would you ever want to hurt me?”

Erwin’s eyes widened and he shoved Levi off. He put a hand to Levi’s cheek.

“You’re burning up, go lie down.”

Levi rose a brow, “What? I-“

“Go,” Erwin said. “I’ll bring you some water.”

Confused, Levi went into the bedroom and lied down. He felt fine, and he was sure Erwin knew that. What the hell was Erwin doing?

A few minutes later, Erwin appeared in the room. He placed water on the nightstand, he sat on the edge of the bed and Levi sat up.

“The hell is this about?”

“Sorry,” Erwin mumbled. “I just couldn’t...what you said really upset me.”

Levi wondered if that was Erwin’s way of saying he got the urge to hit him. In a weird way, he appreciated Erwin pushing him away and controlling himself. Then again, he didn’t favor the idea of Erwin wanting to hurt him, for whatever reason.

Levi heaved a heavy sigh and sat up. “I’m sorry, I...I don’t know why I would ever think that.”

“Well-“

“Especially after how guilty you felt after the crash.” Levi sighed again, “I’m sorry.”

Erwin stared at Levi with wide eyes, “You mean you…” he trailed off, looking away from Levi. It seemed almost as if Erwin expected Levi to cut him off and speak, so Levi spoke.

“I what?"

"You finally get what I've been saying?" A smile crept onto Erwin's face, then slowly faded away. "I"m sorry..."

"No," Levi said. "I don't think I get it."

"Oh, so when you said...uh, never mind."

"Okay," Levi said skeptically. "Never mind then."

They stayed quiet for a long while. Or at least, what felt like a long while. When Erwin rose from the bed, only a few minutes had passed. He mopped his face and looked down at Levi.

"You don't really think I'm below killing someone, right?"

"No," Levi mumbled, "Of course not."

Erwin laughed, incredibly loud and lively. He sobered himself, "Thank you, Levi."

Levi didn't want to mention that Erwin shouldn't have to thank him, but he decided against it. He laid down back down, mumbling "freak" under his breath. Erwin laughed again and left the room.

So, Levi waited. It was all he figured he could do after Erwin said he was burning up with a fever. He tried to fall asleep but couldn't, so he picked up Erwin's book off the shelf. He noticed Nanaba's and Mike's jackets on the foot of the bed and texted Erwin to make sure he was the one who came in, instead of Mike and Nanaba themselves.

Levi thought of Mike and Nanaba fondly. He had Mike through Erwin, being his closest friend and all, and had meant Nanaba once they started dating. He liked Nanaba as much as the next guy, he didn't hold any type of ill towards her whatsoever, but he didn't really knew her very well either.

They had been to Mike and Nanaba's wedding, of course, since Erwin was Mike's best man (and Mike was Erwin’s) Levi thought about his own wedding, then again of Mike and Nanaba's. He felt a hot pang on jealousy grow in his stomach. They seemed to be doing so well. It was always Erwin and Levi who were the couple for everyone to look up to, but now Levi didn't want anyone looking at him and Erwin. He huffed loudly, and he felt stupid because he was alone and no one could even hear him. 

Erwin hadn't ruined everything. He had put a huge...damper on his and Levi's marriage, but he didn't ruin it. Certainly as of now, it wasn't Erwin was making things weird.

It was Levi.

Levi refused to believe what he thought to be a facade Erwin was putting on. He didn't think it was possible for Erwin to be alright, or "fixed." Levi had to realize that just because he didn't know what exactly what was up with Erwin or what exactly him and therapist were doing to fix it, it didn't mean that it wasn't happening. Erwin hadn't even given much Levi to be scared of him, or to think that he would have killed someone.

Erwin killing someone? The idea was so insane that Levi should probably be questioning himself rather than Erwin.

Before Levi could entertain the utterly insane thought of Erwin murdering someone, Hange popped into the bedroom. 

"Just grabbing Mike's and Nanaba's jackets," she said, smiling. "Then I wanna talk, okay?"

Levi scolded Erwin in his head and nodded. Hange grabbed the jackets and went out of the room. He heard Mike and Nanaba leave and then Erwin and Hange came back into room.

"Erwin put on a pot of coffee," Hange said as Eriwn rummaged through his drawer. "Let's go talk."

Levi pulled himself up and followed Hange into the kitchen. They got mugs of coffee and sat. 

When Hange didn't speak, Levi prodded, "Well?"

"Well, I just wanted to see if you're okay...surely you aren't sick."

"No," Levi said, trying to think of an excuse but failing. "Erwin just said that to-"

"Get you out of it?"

"It?" Levi rose a brow, "What's it?"

"I dunno...the situation, environment. I figured you got anxious and asked Erwin to say that...is that not what you two were whispering about?"

"No, it wasn't." Levi took a long sip of his coffee, hoping Hange would say something to fill the silence. She didn't, and seemed to be waiting for Levi to elaborate. "It was nothing, but I guess I pissed him off enough that he didn't want to see me."

"Then surely it wasn't nothing," Hange said. Then, more quietly, "What'd you say?"

Levi waved his hand, "Nothing, nothing. It's fine."

The two were quiet for a bit, each intermediately sipping their coffee. Levi avoided Hange's eyes, stupidly afraid that she'd be able to read his mind.

"He still mad at you?" Hange asked.

"No, I don't think so...mad at himself, maybe."

"What makes you say so?"

"He's probably wondering why the hell I accused him of killing someone, and why the hell I'd say it aloud for everyone to hear."

"Oh," Was all Hange said for a few moments. "You don't really think he would though? Like actually."

Levi thought for a minute, or for a few minutes. He wondered how Erwin would be acting so normal if he had killed someone, considering how much he was fazed by getting someone killed in a car accident. The idea that Erwin would ever kill someone was crazy, crazier than Erwin had ever acted. Because of this, Levi's thoughts definitely said more about himself than it did about Erwin.

"That a yes?" Hange asked.

"No," he mumbled. "I don't think could ever do that...or rather, I don't think he could ever live with himself after."

Hange hummed in agreement (at least Levi could hope that's what it was) and shifted the topic of conversation.

When eventually Levi did stumble tiredly into the bedroom, it was two in the morning. He quietly got changed and slipped himself under the covers. Before he could drift off to sleep, though, Erwin stirred and blinked himself awake.

"Levi? What time is it?"

"Late. Just go back to sleep."

Erwin lazily threw an arm over Levi, he pressed his lips to Levi's. "I...I appreciate you trusting me."

Levi sighed. He wasn't sure if trust was thing that kept him from believing that Erwin was above murder, but he didn't say anything. He rolled on his side, facing Erwin and pushed him away gently. 

"Tch," was all the reply Levi gave before shoving his face into Erwin's chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	9. Strain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! A new chapter! It's only been like 2 months lmao...
> 
> Okay, so! This chapter was a bit of strain on me (pun intended) because I started it right when I had an ass load of work shoved on me, then finals came, then I was working on something else. So, HOPEFULLY chapters 10 and 11 (most likely the last two chapters) should be finished within the next few months, if not earlier.
> 
> As always, enjoy!

Since Levi had accused Erwin of killing someone, Erwin had seemed to become even more private about what him and his therapist talked about. Not that Levi had said it for any particular reason, he’d expect Erwin to at least tell him something to help “clear his name” in a way, but he didn’t. Erwin kept Levi in the dark as usual, he left Levi flailing for answers.

If Erwin wasn’t going to let Levi be privy to his thoughts, then Levi thought he’d do the same to Erwin. He hoped that maybe Erwin would open up in exchange for Levi doing the same. While this didn’t exactly work in the way Levi had hoped for, it did get Erwin expressing himself more.

Erwin and Levi had been fighting lately. A lot. It didn’t surprise Levi whatsoever and he was secretly happy that at least Erwin said something as they fought instead of just spewing loads of crap at each other.

What Erwin said wasn’t much, just that he was frustrated and trying his hardest to fix things. Levi was well-aware of that and while it wasn’t difficult to believe that Erwin was trying, it was difficult for Levi to believe that anything was being fixed. He wanted to believe that Erwin was back to normal, or whatever normal was for Erwin.

“Levi,” Erwin said one night at dinner. “Do you want a divorce?”

Levi’s eyes flew open and he almost choked on his food. “What? Why would you ever ask me that?”

“Because we’ve been fighting. A lot.”

“I know, but-“ Levi cut himself off. “Do you want a divorce?”

“What? No!”

“Then neither do I.”

Erwin put his hands under his chin, propping his head up. “So,” he said, “If I wanted a divorce, you’d want one too?”

Levi shrugged, “That doesn’t really matter.”

Did Levi actually want a divorce? No. Did Levi wish things were different? Of course. Levi wasn’t unhappy per se, but he wasn’t very happy either. He and Erwin used to just click so well; now it seemed like they were so distant from each other. Levi would be there for Erwin no matter what, but if he did come to the point where Erwin did want a divorce, Levi would be — guiltily so — willing to go through with one. Other than having no choice, if Erwin was ready to throw the towel in, Levi would let him.

Levi sighed, getting up from his seat. He put his plate in the sink and went back to the table to get Erwin’s empty plate. He seized Levi’s wrist and looked up at him.

“You trust me, right?” 

“Trust you,” Levi mumbled. “For what?”

“Anything I’ve told you...you trust what I’m saying, right?”

“Do I have a reason not to?”

“I wouldn’t think so,” Erwin said. “I just want to make sure you believe I’m being honest.”

Erwin lying was the least of Levi’s concerns, because Erwin was terrible at lying and Levi could (usually) always tell that he was lying. Erwin being...selective in what he told Levi was the real issue. He wanted to know what exactly was wrong with him and what he and his therapist had done to fix it, but he feared asking about this to Erwin would only work to get them into a fight and himself shoved from a window.

Erwin was doing fine, and he had been doing fine for a while now. 

All the arguments, when Levi thought back, usually erupted because of Levi; because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He knew how to easily make Erwin upset and he also knew how to not make Erwin easily upset, but Levi kept managing to do the former.

Realizing this, Levi slumped in his seat.

“Well?” Erwin prodded.

“I do think you’re being honest,” Levi said almost too defensively. I just don’t think you’re telling me everything, Levi added to himself.

“Oh,” Erwin smiled. “Okay.”

Erwin let go of Levi’s wrist and Levi snatched his plate, “Now stop asking me before I change my mind.”

Erwin smiled again, sheepishly, and Levi so badly to kiss him. “Right. Sorry.”

After Levi had finished cleaning up, Erwin suggested they go out. 

“We could just go out and get coffee,” Erwin said after Levi made a face to his suggestion.

“I could make coffee here.”

“Or,” Erwin took his and Levi’s jackets off the rack, “We could go and get coffee.”

Reluctantly, Levi shrugged his jacket on. “Fine, but you’re driving...and paying.”

The walk to Erwin’s car almost Levi explode with anxiety. He realized he hadn’t been in the passenger's seat to Erwin since they had gotten into the crash. Erwin seemed calm and collected about it though. Seemed, jumped out at Levi.

“What’s the matter?” Erwin asked softly once they were in the car, holding onto Levi’s knee. “You wanna drive?”

“Uh…” Levi looked away from Erwin’s pitying eyes. “No, I’m fine.”

“Okay,” Erwin said and let it linger, then added: “If you want me to pull over for whatever reason, just tell me and I will.”

Levi nodded and Erwin smiled. He started the car and began driving. Levi’s heart was pumping out of his chest and he wanted to scream at Erwin to pull over and let him drive, but he couldn’t. Erwin was driving fine, honestly, and there wasn’t anything to be worried about. That didn’t stop Levi from fabricating things to worry about and let them fester and get worse though.

When Erwin and Levi finally did get to the coffee shop, Levi wanted to jump for joy. He quickly hopped out of the car and impatiently waited for Erwin the same.

“What’s with the rush?” Erwin asked.

“I have to take a leak,” Levi mumbled crudely. “Let’s go.”

Levi rushed inside, uttering a “you know what to get me” as he brushed passed Erwin, who most certainly did not know what to get him since he always changed his order. 

In the bathroom, Levi splashed water on his face to calm his nerves. He stared at himself in the mirror, almost taken aback by how he looked. Every time he’s seen his face lately, he’s been surprised. He briefly wondered if Erwin thought the same, but thinking of Erwin made him almost swoon.

It was weird how Erwin did that to him. How he could make him feel incredibly anxious, but be the thought that put him at ease. Erwin made him...manic, almost.

Before Levi’s head could spin too much, he left the bathroom. Erwin was still waiting on line so he made his way next to him.

“Better?” Erwin smiled in a way that certainly made him feel so. Levi gave a nod and turned attention to the menu, still feeling Erwin’s eyes on him. 

Levi and Erwin both ordered and as Levi went to fix his coffee. He couldn’t help but take notice of the fact that when Erwin was sitting at the table, he seemed a little spaced out. He quickly finished fixing his coffee and went to the table and to Erwin’s side.

He tried to sound casual, “You okay?”

Erwin quickly flicked his eyes up at Levi, then averted his gaze. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

He debated prodding anything further, but he’d rather save that for when they were alone. Instead, he gave a sigh and began drinking his coffee.

“Good?” Erwin asked after a few moments of silence.

“Fine,” Levi mumbled. After a few more moments of silence, he asked, “What about yours?”

“It’s-“ Erwin looked around the coffee shop. “Fine,” he finished quickly. Erwin leaned close to Levi, “Does this feel okay to you?”

Levi back away slightly, “Your huge nose in my face…? No.”

Seeming a little too preoccupied with his own train of thought, Erwin just rolled his eyes. He pulled away from Levi a bit.

“No,” he said quietly, “This. Me and you.”

Levi didn’t know if he should answer honestly or try and make something up. He stared at Erwin’s face, which was still only inches from his. He awkwardly looked away from Erwin, scooting his chair away.

”I’ll take that as a no,” Erwin mumbled.

“It’s not that…” Levi trailed off. “Can we talk about this later?”

Erwin looked surprised, but delighted, “Yeah, sure. Okay.”

Levi let out a sigh of relief. He took a long sip of his coffee, waiting for Erwin to pick up the conversation. He didn’t, and Levi didn’t feel like picking it up either.

Despite such, Levi asked, “How’s work going?”

“Well,” Erwin said in what Levi assumed was faux-thought. “It’s going pretty well, actually. I feel...back into the groove of things.”

“Right. That’s, uh, good.”

Erwin made a face, raising his brow, “What did we even talk about before?”

“Anything and everything,” Levi replied, not feeling my like he needed an explanation of what “before” was supposed to mean. “Maybe we’ve run out of things to talk about.”

“I’m not sure if that’s it…”

“I know, Erwin.”

Levi and Erwin stayed quiet after that. Levi sipped at his coffee, looking around the coffee shop. He looked back to Erwin, who looked guilty and Levi couldn’t help but feel bad.

When Levi finished his coffee, he asked Erwin if he was ready to leave. He nodded and stood up.

“You okay?” Levi asked.

“No,” Erwin mumbled. “I wanna go home.”

And so they went. Erwin had asked Levi to drive, to which he of course said yes. Erwin kept his head down the whole ride home, even when Levi tried to strike up conversation. Levi had stopped trying and let Erwin sulk; he figured if Erwin wasn’t going to talk, Levi pissing him off wasn’t going to do anything.

When the two got home, Erwin sat on the couch and turned on the TV while Levi began cleaning.

Cleaning was supposed to be something cathartic for Levi, on top of being a chore he had to do, but it wasn’t. He couldn’t help but to keep glancing at Erwin to see if he was okay. Erwin seemed okay, obviously as he was just watching TV. Levi expected him to be dozing off since that was something he had become good at as he got older, Levi noticed, but instead, he was glancing at Levi too. 

Erwin seemed anxious almost, anxious for Levi to be done maybe.

“Might as well help if you’re just gonna stare at me,” Levi mumbled.

“Of course!” Erwin jumped from the couch. “I’ll clean the kitchen…”

“Thanks…” Levi stopped dusting and watched Erwin as he cleaned. It was always weird to see Erwin doing anything domestic since Levi usually had the brunt of the domestic jobs. Levi appreciated whenever Erwin would try and help out with the household chores, but he knew he’d end up having to redo it anyway.

Though, when it came to times like now. There was no option of redoing it.

Levi tried to go back to dusting only to realize he couldn’t reach the shelf. He stood there for a few moments, staring dumbly, then went for a chair to stand on.

“Let me do it,” Erwin said, holding his hand out to take the duster from Levi. He skeptically handed it over.

“Please, be careful.”

“Of course…” Erwin smiled softly, “Now step aside.”

Levi took as much as one step back. He hovered around Erwin as he dusted the shelf haphazardly, Levi thought at least. He was worried Erwin would knock something off the shelf — specifically the wine glasses from their wedding that Levi kept. 

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Levi put a hand on Erwin’s back. “Leave those be,” he said, almost begging. “I don’t need you breaking them.”

“Levi,” Erwin laughed, “It’s fine! It’ll be okay!”

“Please, don’t-!”

Of course, as expected, the glasses were knocked over and fell. The sound of the glass breaking was masked by a shrill shriek that came from Levi. He instantly threw himself to the ground and put his hands in the shattered mess.

“Levi, watch…” Erwin trailed off. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

“Get away from me,” Levi muttered. “You couldn’t just do as I asked, could you?”

Erwin backed away, not saying anything more, slipping away into the kitchen. Levi allowed his shoulders to fall along with his head. He couldn’t help but feel a bit relieved, because of Erwin had even tried to touch him he wasn’t sure what he’d do.

Before Levi could pick himself up to scold Erwin, he came back with a wet paper towel.

“That’s not gonna help, you dumbass! Go get me-”

“For your hands,” Erwin said calm, taking Levi’s hands into his own. “You shouldn’t have tried to pick it up with you bare hands.”

“Shut the fuck up, you shouldn’t have been touching the glasses after I told you to stop,” Levi spat, not pulling his hands away from Erwin but not exactly making it easy for him. “Let me guess...it wasn’t an accident, right?”

“It was,” Erwin croaked. He hovered a hand over Levi’s back but ultimately decided against touching him. “I swear.”

Finally, Levi pushed Erwin away, his still-bleeding hands flew to his chest. He sat on the ground, not really knowing what he was expecting Erwin to do. Half of him was shocked Erwin wasn’t apologizing over and over again while the other half was shocked Erwin wasn’t shouting at him for being so rude.

“The fucked up thing is,” Levi started, “I don’t even know if I can believe you.”

“Oh, you have to! You don’t seriously think I did this on purpose, do you?”

Levi pulled himself up and to his feet. No. No, he didn’t. Why the hell Erwin would even think of doing something stupid as breaking the glasses. Maybe to see how Levi would react…?

“You did!” Levi clenched his fists and stomped his foot like a child. He felt himself being irrational but couldn’t stop his mouth. “You did it on purpose, you sick son of a bitch!”

“Levi, please,” Erwin rasped. “Please believe me.”

Levi stared up at Erwin, unsure of what to think. Why would Erwin even dream of doing such a thing? Then again, why would Erwin ever dream of hitting him, or tossing a plate at the wall, or anything else insane that popped into his head?

Again, Levi crouched by the broken glass. He picked up a few pieces, almost numb to them pricking his fingers, and held them close.

“But they’re from our wedding night...and we’ll never be able to fix them…”

“I know...Ah, I really am sorry, Levi. I should’ve just listened to you.”

“You should’ve,” Levi said, attempting to sound cold but his voice betrayed him. “We can’t ever fix these...or get these back.”

“I know, I know.” Erwin sat on the floor next to Levi, his legs crossed. “But look at your hand.”

“It’s all bloody, I’m aware. I’ll fix it in a-”

“No, I mean,” Erwin held up his own hand, “Your ring...our rings. We still have these, right?”

Levi glanced at his left hand, then to Erwin. He played with the idea of wrapping his arms around Erwin, but felt he was still too angry to do so. Instead, he grabbed Erwin’s hand.

“Relax, Levi,” Erwin murmured. “It’s okay.”

“But-“

“But nothing. They’re just glasses, right?”

Levi stayed quiet, mourning the “just” glasses. He kept telling himself, or attempting to, that they were in fact just glasses. Even though they’re special and irreplaceable, and having them in a hundred tiny pieces of glass wasn’t exactly the way Erwin wanted to keep them. It doesn’t really matter that was one of the only things Levi had even cared about keeping for so long. After all, they were just glasses.

“Right?” Erwin asked again.

Instead of just agreeing like he should have, Levi yanked his hand back and said: “But they’re from our wedding! We can’t just go back and get more!”

“But,” Erwin licked his lips, “but they shouldn’t really matter if we’re still married...right?”

Levi looked up at Erwin and he wasn’t even looking back at him. He looked even more worried than Levi did. 

“Am I crazy for thinking that?” Erwin asked, but Levi had a feeling it wasn’t directed towards him. “I mean, I’m just happy to still be with you.”

“Of course you are.”

“Are you not…?”

“I don’t know if I’m exactly happy,” Levi blurted, “as much as I just expected us to be together.”

The two stayed quiet after that. They sat on the ground, Levi’s hands still bleeding and Erwin practically mumbling to himself. Levi could not (would not) make out what he was saying. Erwin had his head bowed and Levi couldn’t pull his eyes off him; he almost felt like apologizing.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Levi said instead. “I don’t know what would possess me to say that aloud.”

“Well, uh,” Erwin started awkwardly, “I wouldn’t want you to keep anything from me.”

“Like you do?”

“Especially something like that,” Erwin said, dodging what Levi had said. “Are you unhappy, Levi?”

“I’m just peachy.” Levi pulled himself up. “I’m so pissed off. I-I’m so...disappointed in you.”

Erwin looked up to Levi, “But Levi, they’re just glasses.”

Levi clenched his fists and made a struggled sound of annoyance. “It’s not about the fucking glasses! It’s about me and you! We haven’t had a good moment since that stupid crash.” He gave another strangled noise. “Fuck! I’m so pissed!”

“Levi-”

“There’s nothing I wanna do more than punch your teeth in, but I haven’t hit you once! Not once!” Despite his mind telling him to shut the hell up, Levi kept going. “Everyday feels like crap and when something good does happen, something always ruins in.”

“Something,” Erwin echoed quietly, his eyes widening. “Wonder what that is…”

“You! It’s-”

Erwin rose, forcing Levi to have someone be looking down at him. The rest of his sentence was caught in his throat, something grabbing at his throat and pulling the words right out. He cleared his throat, loudly, trying to get the words up.

“Your fault,” he finished, preparing to yell some more at Erwin. When it came to Erwin, he wasn’t always sure how’d he react to when Levi would try and pick a fight. There were times where he’d bow his head and take whatever Levi had to say.

And there were times like now.

“I’m trying, Levi!” Erwin snarled, something Levi didn’t hear often. His voice hoarse and deep, but not loud like Levi’s was. “Don’t give me that. You’re the one refusing to allow things to be fixed.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You knew exactly what I’m talking about!” 

Levi didn’t even want to ask. He didn’t listen to Erwin spew bullshit at him to make himself feel better. He stood there, clenching and unclenching his fists, trying to make the anger just go away.

“You’re telling me you don’t?” Erwin said anyway.

“I’m telling you I don’t care.” Levi sighed so hard he thought his lungs would burst. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about and I don’t care to.”

Erwin’s face was unreadable as he went into the kitchen to get the broom and dust pan. He came back and handed Levi the dust pan. 

“Gimme the broom too.” Levi snatched it away from him. “Before you break this on accident too.”

Erwin looked away sheepishly as Levi worked on cleaning the glass.

“What I was saying before...” Erwin started, “That you asked if we could talk about later?”

“What about it?”

“Well, what’s your answer?”

Levi thought about it for a few moments; first he had to recall what the hell Erwin was talking about. Are Erwin and I okay, he asked himself, Am I the one allowing this terrible strain to keep digging at us?

“No,” Levi mumbled. “But it’s my fault, I think.”

Erwin waited a beat before speaking. “Is that because I said it?”

“No,” Levi said again. “I don’t know what the hell you were talking about refusing to allow things to be fixed.” Erwin opened his mouth but Levi continued, “But it’s hard to believe anything has changed.”

“Believe...? You don’t think I’ve changed?”

“No,” Levi said for the third time. “I think if I push you even a little too far, or press one wrong button, you’ll blow. And, quite frankly, I don’t know what the fuck you’d do.”

“Levi,” Erwin licked his lips. “I think there’s something we need to talk about.”

“We are talking.”

“No, uh...there’s something I need to tell you.”

Levi quickly looked up at him. He rose a brow.

“What?”

Erwin stared at him as if he hadn’t just said what he did. He was wide-eyed and he swallowed thickly.

“Erwin, spit it out.”

“I think we should take a break,” Erwin said quickly.

Levi wish he could’ve felt surprised. He almost told Erwin that he had been thinking the same thing since he and Erwin had gotten into the accident. But, he didn’t. He just finished sweeping, threw the glass into the garbage and sat on the couch.

Levi waved Erwin over, “Come over here.”

So Erwin did. He sat down and took Levi’s hands into his own.

“Do you really think taking a break will help us?”

He was genuinely, desperately. He wasn’t sure what Erwin was going to answer, and he wasn’t sure what he wanted Erwin to answer.

“I think it’ll help you,” Erwin said. “But if you don’t-”

“I do!” Levi shouted by accident. “I do.”

They were both quiet for a long while. Levi squeezed onto Erwin’s hand.

“Just a break,” Erwin mumbled, “Right?”

“Just a break.”

Levi looked into Erwin’s eyes and felt himself leaning into kiss Erwin. Although he let his eyes close, he could feel that Erwin was surprised at it.

“I love you, Erwin,” passed though Levi’s lips. “God, I love you...”

“Too much probably,” Erwin mumbled, pulling away from Levi. “I love you too, Levi.”

The rest of the day was quiet and solemn. Levi called Hange, gave her an earful, and had her invite him over before he could even ask.

While Levi packed some things, Erwin slipped into the bedroom. He helped Levi fold his clothes, messily but folded nonetheless. Levi was all over him. He was like a child who didn’t want to leave their parents for summer camp.

“You should go, though. I’m not forcing you.”

“I know.”

“I want you here,” Erwin said. “I want you.”

Levi’s eyes fluttered wide briefly, “I-I love you...I want you back.”

“I’m right here.”

Erwin smiled effortlessly and Levi lifted himself on his toes to kiss him. 

“You’re not.” He shoved a finger in Erwin’s face, “And when I get back, I want you here.”

Erwin didn’t say anything, or nod even, but Levi knew he understood. When Levi would come back from Hange’s, he was expecting things to be better. He wasn’t stupid, so he wasn’t expecting perfecting.

Levi wanted better...and anything was better than this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this chapter seemed all over the place, it's because it is. But, thanks for reading anyway!


End file.
